Will made me a really good breakfast: Guinea Fowl eggs from his mom’s, bacon, and mushrooms. Really good. You know what else is good in England? Fried Bread. And their tomatoes are tastaayyy.

We get on the train to go back to Heathrow and make our way to the Sheraton by bus.

Dollar doesn’t have my reservation or a car available. We could wait for one. So, we waited.

I hate when someone is an asshole and coats it with kindness to such a degree you can’t see the dickish manner coming through.

Will had to go to work so we left the Dollar and got a cab to National. They had plenty of cars.

I got a Skolda and everything was awesome. Will was going to drive but the insurance was too much.

So, English driving with a stick shift was to be my new adventure.

Driving in England is fun.

I called Cheaptickets to explain what had happened and they sided with Dollar. I was out $81. They wouldn’t give it back. Don’t rent a car on Cheaptickets. It’s bullshit. And I started yelling on the phone. I hate yelling at strangers. It’s stupid but I felt like raising my voice. I was angry and sad. Money and playing sports with rules are the work of the devil.

I drove to Will and Emily’s and relaxed and realized that I was on tour with The Giants in the UK. I’m very lucky.

Me and Will got to Manchester and thought we were late. It was hard to find the Academy -well maybe its not but it was for me- but we found it. It was cool to finally come to this town because its got its own sound. It’s called Manchester. And its good. Its also the birthplace of “urban blight”, as Linnell told me. This is where the Oliver Twists can lift a timepiece from your knickers right next to me bum and not know what happened until I wonder if its teatime.
Brian was frustrated because the place wasn’t opened until 3. They usually start setting up at 10am. Will, the monitor fellow, found that his monitor board was to be set next to Brian’s soundboard. Hence, there was much frustration until Brian took Flansy’s advice which is, “If you’re not having a good time, it means you’re not drinking enough.” By the time my buddy, Will (as opposed to monitor Will) got there, he was having a good time.
I got to meet Linnell’s inlaws. They’re nice folks.
The crowd was excellent. I like the greater Manchesterians. They’re fantastic. Wonderful, wonderful people.
I gave the Johns a ride to the hotel in my bad-ass Skoda. Me and Will would get their rooms after they showered and got back on their bus.
Here’s some advice if you ever get the wondrous opportunity to tour with the Giants: Find out which room is Linnell’s. He is very neat. The crew isn’t but Linnell’s room looks like noone’s been there.
That said we took his room.
It’s amazing inside this hotel. High ceilings. A room that is nothing but old bank safes. I don’t think that would fly in most hotels. That’s wasted space that money could be made on. Thank goodness the hoteliers here don’t think that way.
After we put our bags away, me and Will went to the convenience store to get some food. We got our sandwiches and counted the number of vomiters we saw on the street. It was alot for a Sunday night. Hence, we named that street, vomit alley.
I will return there and make my deposit someday. It will be Talisker and Ploughman’s.

Leeds was good but weird. The people were cool, the venue was okay, but there was something weird.

The Giants’ truck driver got his gas siphoned during his slumber the night before. A fan got his car broken during the show. The thief pried the car door open. Me and the Giants shared dressing rooms that joined each other and had one kitchen. Each room had two passageways. One passageway went to a dimly lit bathroom with group showers. The other passageway went to a door to outside. In one passageway was a wadded-up diaper.

The truck driver was from Ireland and got in an argument with the bus driver who was a Royalist about the Royal family. I asked if they could hold the conversation until I got my video camera out and that quelled the argument.

My friend, William, wanted to get me a soccer shirt from Leeds.

“They are the best team ever.”

I think they are the equivalent of the LA Clippers. Hurray for Leeds!

A friendly fellow approached me while I was checking my car for thugs and said, “I was going to buy your cd but my wife thought you were too profane.”

“I’m sorry,” I said.

I gave him a dvd.

“Does it have profanity?” asked his wife.

“Is dick a bad word here?”

“Yes.”

“Then, yes. But that’s all. I think.”

“If there is it’s going in the rubbish.”

I padded the tour with a day on each end in case the shit hit the fan. And it did. Both days.

I get a little paranoid getting on a plane because of all the years of getting hassled over my accordion. I always get a seat near the back of the plane so I can get on first and put my accordion away. I also try to get an aisle seat. I love looking out the window but I also like getting up to pee with ease.

Within two hours of the flight a lady got sick and our route changed to land in Newfoundland. I hope that lady is okay. She’s a grandma and grandma’s are very important.

From that point I was told by my seatmate that Heathrow had a curfew meaning there were to be no planes making landing noise after 10:30 pm. That meant we would be 2 hours late or 12 hours late.

I watched The Stepford Wives again and then watched some of The Whole Ten Yards. I hate mafia movies and I like Bruce Willis when he’s John McClain.

The fellow next to me was reading a world affairs journal and then began writing in his notebook. I looked over his hand and saw “Republican” in the third line. I went back to a nap.

Within an hour of landing I asked if he’d gone to the convention. He had and he worked for the Times. He was very uncomfortable as his knee kept shaking. I dwindled my conversation with him and left him alone.

The plane landed and I waited in line between a guy from “Queer as Folk” and another actor. He other actor was an old man who had been in a lot of movies and I can’t remember any of them. He stood up alot from his seat so I had many chances to recall but I couldn’t.

I got through customs okay and went to go get my rental car. The offices were closed. So, I waited for the Hertz rental van to pick me up.

I got to Hertz and gave my paperwork and found that I had rented from Dollar. I thought I’d pressed the Hertz button and I was very wrong.

There was no van to Dollar, so the Hertz driver took me to an opening in a fence near a road and pointed to the McDonald’s a half mile down the road.

“You should find it at the Sheraton across from that McDonald’s.”

So, me and my bags trekked to the Dollar.

When I got to the hotel I found the Dollar closed.

I got a car service to the airport.

“The Tube is closed.”

“I guess just take me to London.”

He took me for a ride and then took me for a ride. Dick.

The best thing about the night was finding my new friends that I didn’t know: Emily and Will McBean. They are the loveliest strangers I’ve ever met. Emily met me at the Tube terminal. We dropped my bags off at their place and I went to Will’s work. Will gave me a beer and I drank it like I’d earned it. I hung out and went to bed in London.

I’ll never know if the grandma is okay.

I padded my time in the UK with an extra day before and after the tour in case poo got in the fan. And it did. Both days. I was proud of myself for planning ahead but still frustrated with the first extra day’s bullshit. And when I say bullshit I mean shit from a bull that has daisies and lovely gift teabags because I was about to tour England for the first time.

The plane made a diversion from the course due to a sick lady. I hope she is okay but I guess I will never know. She was a grandma and that makes her life extremely important to her immediate family. Grandmas are great to have. They do a lot of good and always have something for you that you didn’t ask for.

We landed somewhere in Newfoundland at a very small airport. The guy sitting next to me told me there was a curfew at Heathrow meaning we could be 2 hours late or 12 hours late. It didn’t matter to me much.

The Stepford Wives was one of the movies on the plane and The Whole Ten Yards was the one of the others. I can’t stand mafia movies.

I noticed the guy sitting next to me was reading a “world affairs” journal. And then he pulled out his pad and started writing. I tried to nap but I looked at his writing and saw “Republican” in the third line. I left him alone and went to sleep.

When the plane was about an hour away from London I asked if he were at the convention. He said yes. I asked who he wrote for and he said the Times. His leg started shaking nervously. I asked if he got to see Zell Miller and he said yes. I could tell he was getting uncomfortable so I kept quiet.

He asked to get up so he could get his leg moving.

There were two guys on either side of me waiting in line for customs. I think the one guy was from “Queer as Folk” and the guy in front of me was this old man who I’ve seen in lots of movies but can’t place where I’d seen him. He stood up many times from his seat so I had plenty of chances to guess.

I had a little trouble with customs but got through okay. Things were looking up.

I went to my car rental which had closed it’s airport office. So, I got a ride with the rental bus. I had clicked on Hertz on the cheaptickets but it had given me Dollar and I didn’t realize it until I presented my paperwork to Hertz. I felt like a real dumbass.

There was no van to Dollar so the Hertz van offered to drive me to a lot with a gate and pointed to a distant McDonald’s and said, “You should find your car there.”

I walked about half a mile and saw the hotel that Dollar was. I set my bags down and saw that it was closed.

No more buses and the Tube was closed, too. So, I got an expensive cab ride into town. Dollar sucks.