Like building a model rocket- you spend days making it and then take it to the park. It’s going to either be spectacular or a dog is going to bite it and chew on it and then bury it.

I started working with this girl, Irene, on the rock opera. It was weird having someone else sing a song I wrote. I had to let go and let her take the wheel and drive. Like building a model rocket- you spend days making it and then take it to the park. It’s going to either be spectacular or a dog is going to bite it and chew on it and then bury it. Well, it was spectacular. Irene took the torch and high-fived her coach at the finish line.
I’m gonna write another for her to sing.

Man, if anyone lives in NYC and wants to start a soccer team, let me know. Because fat soccer players either die or get thin. I have a Leeds shirt I can wear and that will inspire me to win.

Dammint. I just had a M-azing bar from the snack machine. I did really well yesterday by eating well but sucked today by getting a hot dog lunch and a poor candy chaser. I’m turning into a shit machine. And my gym just upped their rates. I hope nobody goes there so they’ll go back down on their price.
You know what sucks about a 65 cent candy bar? Is that the level of joy is lower than the level of reprisal. My desk faces the damn machine. I’ll prove it. From left to right:
sun chips(french onion)
dipsy doodles
chex mix
wheat thins
snyders pretzels
fantasy mix
lays
cheezits
welch’s fruit shits
some cookie
trail mix (i
guess that’s
okay)
nutter butter
kit kat 3 musketeers
almond joy
granola bar
more kit kat
fuck it goes on to donuts and pop tarts.
Man, if anyone lives in NYC and wants to start a soccer team, let me know. Because fat soccer players either die or get thin. I have a Leeds shirt I can wear and that will inspire me to win.
My brain’s getting smaller because of this. I can’t make up cool shit right now because I’m idle. Fuck candy. You want to see me throw away a box of Oreos? Go buy me a box and I’ll do it. I swear I will. Just don’t look at me as I dig through the trash later.

The receptionist I work with is taking off next week to lay down some tracks. He raps. His name is BRock. You can pronounce it either way. I hope he goes far. He’s real nice.
He told me his producer told him to rhyme about escalades and shit he can’t afford. Now he’s told to rhyme about the ghetto.
He had a rhyming dictionary up on his computer.
“things that rhyme with -ain”
“Castles of Spain”
“woodworking plane”
I really hope he uses one of those two options that are really on this site.
I helped him a little and got him going. He got really excited. He told me what he was going to write about and I told him he was already writing it as I repeated it back to him. Write it down.
Oh, and fuck escalades. I was trying to get a rental out of Nashville during Christmas and there was only one car available in the city.
“I can go down to $80 a day for you on an escalade.”
I don’t know. Maybe an Escalade is a good ride. But I’ve driven enough to feel more comfortable in a shitty 89 Nissan because I know I won’t worry about the scratches that will come from the Kroger parking lot. Not that I drive anymore or go to Kroger.
My friend, Fishboy, makes sure you know it’s Kroger and not Krogers. Internets. Walmarts. Dinners. You only eat one dinner a day unless it’s prepackaged as in “I ate five Hungry Man dinners.” Or you’re a Hobbit. If you’re a lion and you eat two elks it’s still called dinner.
“I’m going back for seconds.” I say this alot because I do it alot. “I’m going back for a second helping of a Golden Corral dinner because I want my money’s worth.”
You shouldn’t eat buffet on the road because it’s uncool to yourself and those around you. Unless you get your own hotel room within the hour. I miss the road.

It’s not how many freethrows you make it’s how you got to the freethrow line.
And that you can make a freethrow. And Ben Stiller’s making some freethrows.

I thought that whenever I have a kid I’m going to let him or her watch television all the time. My reference point for success was Ben Stiller. He watched a lot of tv as a kid and if he hadn’t there would be no Heatvision and Jack. He is the Cable Guy. In a good, productive way.
I heard some radio guy in London dismissing him but you know what? It’s not how many freethrows you make it’s how you got to the freethrow line.
And that you can make a freethrow. And Ben Stiller’s making some freethrows.
Anyways, my brother has two kids and they love books. They get to watch videos every once in a while but that’s it. One niece is 4 and can already read a little. The 2-year old loves me reading to her and then says “again” when I’m done.
So, I don’t know. I may let them watch good tv. Whatever that is. The good thing about having no stimulus is that you begin to create stimulus. Those are good kids.

Me and Louis and Bobbi went to the Museum of Television and Radio yesterday. We were researching for a Polyphonic tv show. So, I went to IMDB and looked up a bunch of tv shows that I’d remembered and some I didn’t and looked up important guest stars on those shows (Tiny Tim, Kiss, Paul Williams) to get the right episodes:
When Things were Rotten episode #1.3
The Cop and the Kid episode #1
Monster Squad (1976)episode #1
Tony Orlando and Dawn episode #3.1
The Paul Lynde Halloween Special (1976)
Love American Style episode #2.18c
Make Your Own Kind of Music 1971
Johnny Cash and Friends 1976
The Bay City Rollers Show 1978
Of these they had the Paul Lynde show and Johnny Cash and Friends.

I also had this list:
Brady Bunch Variety Hour
Harlem Globetrotters Cartoon
Laffalympics
Lidsville
HR Puffinstuff
John Denver Variety Hour
Glen Campbell Goodtime Hour
Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour
Shazaam
Isis
Ark II
Greatest American Hero
Cop Rock
Hardy Boys (episode #2.1 and 2.2 with guest star Paul
Williams)
Highway to Heaven
Donnie and Marie
Hee Haw
Sonny and Cher show
Bigfoot and Wildboy
The Kroft Supershow
The Nick and Jessica Variety Hour
No Hardy Boys. One Donnie and Marie.
I was real dissappointed. I guess I expected them to have everything.
The staff was excellent. One guy, who looked like Stephen Colbert, was looking up shows on his computer (because his was better than the Apple 2c I was using). And the guy sitting next to him knew what they had without looking.
“No, that’s Shazaam the cartoon. He’s looking for the live-action one. And no Isis and no Ark II.”
And then he said,
“I think you can get those on dvd.”
But that’s why I’m here at what I thought was the TV’s supercomputer.
He was good, though.
We watched Paul Lynde and Hee Haw and some Carpenters. It’s hard to watch tv in such a setting. There’s no couch and you can’t go get a beverage. Very library. But it was nice to see Paul Lynde and Tim Conway together do some funny.

I thought about this guy today that I’d met a while back who has since passed away. His name was Terry and he built this tape recorder that recorded at different speeds.

http://www.cnn.com/2004/TECH/science/12/23/gen.us.clonedcat.ap/index.html

I said that this lady was probably from Plano but I wish and hope that she’s from Denton. My friend pointed out that Denton doesn’t have that kind of money. I never had money in Denton but I know there were people who did because I
a)delivered pizza to them
b)almost built a brick house for 2 cats that would have access to the main house.
I shit you not.
I thought about this guy today that I’d met a while back who has since passed away. His name was Terry and he built this tape recorder that recorded at different speeds. He hooked up different parts of stereos together and demonstrated for some friends on camera how it worked by picking up a cat and picking at its underside until it meowed a discontented noise to stop. He would play this back at a slower speed immediately. His stereo was placed on the front lawn and there were cats everywhere. I think they belonged to a girlfriend of his who was a wiccan who liked cats.
I don’t think this lady would have a cat cloned but I hope that her and Terry’s relationship was an influential forebear in some way.
I’m kidding. I don’t.

Well, I have $45,000 in my purse. Oh, wait that’s chocolate. You want some silver bells, Caspar?

http://www.cnn.com/2004/TECH/science/12/23/gen.us.clonedcat.ap/index.html

This lady didn’t want her town named but everyone knows she lives in Plano. Everything that happens happens in Plano. It could have been Garland, the town that King of the Hill is based on, but there’s not enough new money in Garland. It could have been Las Colinas, the home of Office Space, but those young urban professionals are spending money on big time dinners at Macaroni Grill because it’s good dinner.
So, I’m putting my money on Plano. So if she is from Plano then I want my $100 reward that I will use to go eat at Kathy’s Wok in Plano. That’s some good Chinese.
Now here’s my play with the names changed.
DANA: I thought Skrips was dead.
JOE: He is dead. This is a clone of your dead cat.
DANA: Why would I want that? Skrips used to pee in the crib of my baby, Casper.
JOE: You don’t have a baby.
DANA: Yes I do. There he is. C’mer Casper.
JOE: Oh, a baby dog.
DANA: He’
s not a baby, are you Casps? You’re a young man.
JOE: He’s a shitzu.
DANA: Don’t use language like that around my baby. I’m sorry. Young man.
JOE: Anyway, you owe us $50,000 for cloning your cat.
DANA: I said, “Cologne-ing my cat”. He was stinking up the house with his decomposing.
JOE: Well,
DANA: You could have gotten Halston or Drakkar or even Blues Lady and sprayed it on Drips.
JOE: Drips?
DANA: I mean Skrips. Listen, here’s $5. My husband owns 5 Domino’s Pizzas. He can get you discounts.
JOE: I’m dialing my lawyer.
DANA: (looking over his shoulder) I was just seeing if you were dialing a 1-800 number to see if I really need to call mine.
JOE: No, it’s the company’s lawyer.
DANA: Okay, well let me call mine.
SKRIPS II: mew
DANA: You sound just like Skrips. Can you dance? You wanna dance.
(Skrips stands on 2 legs).
JOE: So, you understand how important this is? I could have cured cancer but your kitty paid more.
DANA: Well, I have $45,000 in my purse. Oh, wait that’s chocolate. You want some silver bells, Caspar?
JOE: You shouldn’t give him chocolate.
DANA: Uh huh.
JOE: My lawyer is on the phone. He needs to make sure that you have held the cat.
DANA: Of course I have.
JOE (on phone): Yes she has. Okay I will tell her.
DANA: Tell me what?
JOE: I got to get them silver bells chocolates and the rest of the money in your purse and a couple of ones to make change with the guy who is going to get some Axe Effect to spray on your old Skrips.
DANA: I need the phone. (On phone) Yes I’d like to order two Monsterganzas with everything. No, this is Dana. I need Joey to drive them here. Okay.
(to Joe) We got pizza coming.
SKRIPS II: mew.

I’m sad. I think this weather is getting me down. It’s been cold and rainy and I want to go home and sit. But there’s an office Christmas party tonight. And there’s an open bar, free food, and office comaradery. I can’t pass that up.
I will rule tonight. I will hold my free Cosmopolitan that I only drink when free and make awesome small talk. Then, I will find that one guy when I’ve had five and tell him how things should be. More than five and I’ll let him tell me.
And then tommorrow I’m gonna play a show at someone’s parlor. I don’t even know where it’s at or when I go on. That’s livin’. That’s adventure. When adventure is lost you go find it. When writer’s block stands in your way you just walk through it because it’s never really there.
Tonight my rainy day is gonna be sunshine. I know this because my brothers in officework will be with me.

I went to see Rufus Wainwright at Barnes N’ Nobles today. My friend, Jason, wears a knee brace so we took a cab from work. We got there in time to hear his last song due to traffic. It was a real good song. That guy is real good.
It was rainy so we walked-he wanted to walk- to Jonny’s Diner on 25th. It was good rainy day food. I got the Sloppy Jonny-chicken, bacon, cheese, coleslaw on a hero. That guy, Johnny, is a good guy, too.
I took Rufus Wainwright’s old manager to Jonny’s Diner once. He wanted to sign me onto his management. He enjoyed Jonny’s and appreciated that I was a cheap date. After our lunch meeting he concluded that I had lost momentum after MTV and Rolling Stone and The New York Press. That’s cool. At least I got a free Sloppy Jonny. And anyway, I’m a fuckin’ Cheerio that’s been to the bottom of the bowl many times. I’m just gonna come right back up again. And it’s gonna be delicious. Like Frosted Cheerios.
Hi.
The office Christmas party is tommorrow night. I’ve played at two of them. The last one I played at I was on fire and played one of the best sets of my life. I was banned from playing any more office parties. It makes coworkers sad that I don’t play these open bar workplaces. They should come see me after work.

I brought my lunch to work today. I didn’t make it cause I didn’t have time but I bought a sandwich real cheap from the bakery by my house. I spent almost $20 for a burger lunch yesterday. That’s bullshit. I shouldn’t be eating that anyway. I did have a salad but still. And they charged for an extra coke. This is at a pub. Irish pubs in NY serve old-timey poor people food at a rich people price. I guess if you have money then you don’t mind buying an $8 BLT or a $9 salad or $13 fish and chips or a $15 corned beef and cabbage. If you want that and you’re a bit low on cash go to McSorley’s. On a weekday. Because it’s too crowded on the weekend.
We had band practice last night and I had time to kill in the city and Sammy calls “Hey, come hang out here before we practice.”
“Where?”
“The Triple Crown.”
“Wow. I just ate lunch there.”
My boss calls it Horsies.