A bullet was stopped by a man with a plate of gravy. white gravy. He was on his way to table where chicken fried steak was being served. The gravy was from home. He made his own gravy. With flour, salt, water, pepper, and some grease. He had covered the plate with cellophane to keep dippers out and freshness in. A man named Poison Ivy Sally pulled out a civil war instrument called a musket and shot the man, delivering a bullet through the cellophane and into the gravy, splattering the onlooking Shriners. Templar Steven pulled out a gun and rattled off “Android” to the man with the gravy, thinking he had the white blood. As he shot his 22 pistol he had a second thought and then noticed red blood flowing out of the man’s arm, like a tattoo pop-up.
“Sorry about the bullet, Justin. It was the gravy that threw me. I’ll wash your car for a month. Starting next year.”

I got this witch to come over. She had some kind of lizard’s breath sealed in a jar. I called bullshit on her because you can’t seal breath.
So, she farted and said, “You smell that?”
“Yes.”
“Hold on.”
So, she grabbed a mason jar out of my cabinet and went to the bathroom where I heard her fart again but this time it sounded muffled. She came out and showed me a sealed jar.
“Here.”
“What.”
“Open it and smell.”
“Okay.” And I did. And it smelled like a fart.
“It smells like my fart, right? Cause I just farted in front of you earlier and it smells the same, right?”
“Yes it does but it doesn’t answer how you got a lizard to breathe in a jar.”
And then, she levitated and slid on her toe tips to my bedroom and came back out and said,
“You want to see what lizard’s breath can do?”
“Okay, but Jesse will be home, soon. You shouldn’t try to come on to me. You’re kind of seeing him aren’t you?”
She opened the jar and out came a light the color of rainbows and I was blinded by magicked rave lights and when I could see again, the room was filled with water and a giant goldfish (larger than a koi, smaller than a whale) and I had gills.
And then Jesse came home and the water fell out the door. And when he saw that I had gills he thought that I had had sex with his girlfriend. How did he know?  What an amazing day!

Once I went to this haunted house and it was nothing but blood. Blood, blood, blood. Blood this, blood that. All just blood. No characters like ghosts or zombies or vampires or anything of that sort. Just blood. That’s it.
Huh.

Two field monitors waited for someone to pass by. There were many cicadas about making their wondrous noises blending in and out of the bursts of wind. One fellow who popped out of the wood about 300 yards in the distance made his way to where the monitors stood. As he got closer they noticed he had jerking limp, almost as if a puppeteer had something to do with the way he walked.
“Hello, stranger, have you got a pass?”
“No, I don’t think I want to come this-a-way. I think I should be going that-a-way.”
And his leg jerked out.
“Oh dear,” said a monitor.
“Look at my foot!”
And as sure as there is a good time to be had somewhere else, this fellow had a fishing lure stuck to his shoe and was being reeled in.
“I was a little sheepish at first. But anyhoo.”
And he limped on past the monitors, turned around and goes,
“Happy Stoopid Day! You assholes!” and he pulled the lure out of his shoe and limped away a little more, falling over himself and landing limp-style on top of a sheep and stayed there for a very long time.

I tried to get dead reckoning put on my slide rule but couldn’t upload it because its a slide rule. So now I can only multiply and divide and all other calculations are done on my fingers. My left hand is (x) and my right is (y) and when I calculate the cosine of 5 against the lamp, the shadow of my hands look like a horse eating time.

Got some peanuts at the drug store.
Got some liquid glue.
Poured the glue into the peanut jar.
Shook it up.
Waved the open jar Pollock-style so the peanuts hit the outside window of the drug store.
Backed away and saw the face of Ben Franklin. Just like a $100 bill.
I shit you not.
9:21
Stared at glass.
9:22
Looked around to see if anyone noticed the glass.
9:28
Began to pull glue-trapped squirrels off the window with loving hands and the jar filled with warm water.
9:30
Heard a squirrel say, “Thank you”. I shit you not.
11:00
Finished Halo.
11:01
Wept.