I got a donner kebab the other day in Glasgow. It was the best donner kebab I’d ever had. Eric had 3 of them. The taxi waited for him to go back for another one. It topped off a weird night.
After the show we took our things to the tour bus and went out and about. I was very happy to be hanging out with Scots. Two excellent fellows, John and Steve, took me to the Cathouse.
“You want to go to a metal club?”
I pictured sitting at the bar listening to Guns and Roses and it sounded lovely.
“Yes. Let’s do it.”
Two of the lassies said, “You don’t want to go there” which made me want to go even more. I haven’t heard Ugly Kid Joe in a long time and I felt like it was coming.
The alleys in Glasgow smell like pee because of people like me. I have a weak bladder and ran into the alleys twice on the way there. The steps on street corners smell like pee because of the indiscreet and you won’t find my peepee there.
Then, I got a proper kebab because I don’t eat before shows.
And then came the Cathouse. Oh dear, its not what I expected. I know you should “when in Rome” with strangers but I just couldn’t get my poker face up. It was a dance club and I hate dance clubs. I can’t stand them. You can’t hang out. It’s too hard to talk to anyone.
I used to go into the mosh pit with my friends when I was younger at live metal shows, swinging my arm and skipping gorilla-like. But this was full-on dancing. I was mad at myself for being so uncomfortable but I couldn’t help it.
This one guy grabbed my arm and said, “Come on Corn Mo, dance with me.”
“No, I don’t dance.”
“C’mon”
He pulled me out on the dance floor and I thought, “Ok I’ll do this” but I couldn’t. I faked my beer being empty and pointed to the bar and eluded his grasp. I should feel bad but I don’t.
I walked from System of a Down on 3 to Guns and Roses on 2 and I should have felt better but I didn’t. I would have loved to have seen something live. I would have loved to have seen the worst metal band attempted by 19 year olds ever but I didn’t know where to go to see that.
I love Glasgow so I’m going to take dance lessons.

Let me tell you about Jimmy. From the time I was approached by him I was duly warned from three different people to watch out for him. I guess those were people who were around him all the time. For me it was no more than twenty minutes, maybe twenty-five and I enjoyed myself completely.
Jimmy’s balding with long hair, has a belly like mine but bigger and sports a Hitchhiker’s Guide t-shirt of which he was very excited about its upcoming movie.
“He’s been banned from every bar in Scotland.”
“This one?”
“Well, almost.”
Jimmy didn’t have it that night but he usually carries a flask of whisky with him to the bar. And he shares.
“Do ya have any single malt?”
“No, that would be in the front bar.”
We were playing that night at O’Neills -a chain of pubs with no real sound system for bands. It wasn’t terrible, just a hard room to command. Dimmed lights are very helpful at shows. There was no way to dim the lights. Hence, I played a social hall which was fine (it was a good show) but it was just harder to do than the others were.
Alright, so no single malt at that bar so we make our way to the front.
I’ve never had single malt. I’ve never wanted it. I’m not good with whisky. I rarely drink it. And tequila is hard to hold. It’s like a wiggly worm. You think you got a hold of it and then you loseWeight Exercise it. And it waves over its new friends, Malai Kofta Dinner and Cheeseburger Lunch, and says, “Let’s take the party outside, my friends!” That’s why I only do shots in the rain next to a gutter.
“I hope you don’t take this wrong but you remind me of Jim Steinman.”
“Thank you. I love Jim Steinman.”
“I saw Meatloaf once and yelled, ‘Play Bad For Good ya fat bastard!’ And then it got silent.”
“Did he play it?”
“No. ”
Barkeep: “Yes?”
“A Talisker for me and my friend.”
“Ice?”
“Straight. Now, Corn Mo, when we raise our glasses you say, ‘Slainge’ and I’ll say, ‘Slainge Var’.”
And that we did. And it’s very good. It’s the best whisky I’ve ever had. Then I bought a round of Laphroaig. I liked the Talisker better.
Now I know what the big deal is. It’s a hobby to some like this guy who says it brings out chocolate and that Talisker may be good with nachos.
Anyway, Jimmy is a good guy. I later found out he’s a Jedi Chef at the Sci Fi Conventions. Everyone has got something. So, if you’re in Glasgow and someone tells you to stay away from Jimmy, take it with a grain of salt and buy him the second round.

I met Common Rotation during the Giants tour. We didn’t know each other and were going to share a vehicle together. They were ready to not like me and I was worried about them liking me. But like a cheetah to an antelope we took to each other becoming fast friends.
Erego, when they decided to go to the UK, good times steered them to invite me and good times we had. I don’t know how they were able to get a tour bus but they did. Good bunks, kitchen, entertainment center including playstation, toilet, good times.
I’ve been known to fall asleep early no matter what. I’ve taken naps at bars, parties, green rooms. But with jetlag I was able to stay up late but not able to sleep late because the sun excites me. So, I’d get up and watch the terrain or play ps2 or watch a movie or write before anyone got up.
Jory would get up next and then Matt and then Eric and then Brian. Adam sleeps real late.
The best thing about having a bus is not worrying about where you’re gonna sleep after the show. Sometimes when funds are low you’re lucky to know someone in the town your in and you can get a couch. Sometimes you find a stranger and you wake up on the kitchen floor to a toddler looking for cereal.
So, this was a great luxury.

My flight to London was alright. There was a kid kicking my chair constantly. I did the half turn thinking he was 11 and would get the hint. I finally did the full turn with a mean look and it was a four-year-old. My face changed quick and I let him continue kicking. During my chair banging I watched Cellular. Holy shit is that a terrible movie. “Dude”, “Bro”, “When you going to realize she doesn’t want you anymore”. I wanted to change it but wanted to see some action so I waded through the point break dialogue and finally got some action and it soon sucked less. I started to watch Elektra but was a smarter watcher by then and changed to the Lemony Snicket movie which I enjoyed.
I had no problems getting to my friend’s bar. I hung out with him and others and had a nice time.
I’m exhausted right now. I hurt my back on the bed. Jory went to get some nap in. I should have done the same.
I had bad chinese food. I’m an idiot with my dinners.
I gotta go take a nap. I’ll be no good for the show tonight.