Blog/Tour Diary
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Damn Candy
Man, if anyone lives in NYC and wants to start a soccer team, let me know. Because fat soccer players either die or get thin. I have a Leeds shirt I can wear and that will inspire me to win.
Dammint. I just had a M-azing bar from the snack machine. I did really well yesterday by eating well but sucked today by getting a hot dog lunch and a poor candy chaser. I’m turning into a shit machine. And my gym just upped their rates. I hope nobody goes there so they’ll go back down on their price.
You know what sucks about a 65 cent candy bar? Is that the level of joy is lower than the level of reprisal. My desk faces the damn machine. I’ll prove it. From left to right:
sun chips(french onion)
dipsy doodles
chex mix
wheat thins
snyders pretzels
fantasy mix
lays
cheezits
welch’s fruit shits
some cookie
trail mix (i
guess that’s
okay)
nutter butter
kit kat 3 musketeers
almond joy
granola bar
more kit kat
fuck it goes on to donuts and pop tarts.
Man, if anyone lives in NYC and wants to start a soccer team, let me know. Because fat soccer players either die or get thin. I have a Leeds shirt I can wear and that will inspire me to win.
My brain’s getting smaller because of this. I can’t make up cool shit right now because I’m idle. Fuck candy. You want to see me throw away a box of Oreos? Go buy me a box and I’ll do it. I swear I will. Just don’t look at me as I dig through the trash later. -
My Brother’s Kids
It’s not how many freethrows you make it’s how you got to the freethrow line.
And that you can make a freethrow. And Ben Stiller’s making some freethrows.I thought that whenever I have a kid I’m going to let him or her watch television all the time. My reference point for success was Ben Stiller. He watched a lot of tv as a kid and if he hadn’t there would be no Heatvision and Jack. He is the Cable Guy. In a good, productive way.
I heard some radio guy in London dismissing him but you know what? It’s not how many freethrows you make it’s how you got to the freethrow line.
And that you can make a freethrow. And Ben Stiller’s making some freethrows.
Anyways, my brother has two kids and they love books. They get to watch videos every once in a while but that’s it. One niece is 4 and can already read a little. The 2-year old loves me reading to her and then says “again” when I’m done.
So, I don’t know. I may let them watch good tv. Whatever that is. The good thing about having no stimulus is that you begin to create stimulus. Those are good kids. -
MTR
Me and Louis and Bobbi went to the Museum of Television and Radio yesterday. We were researching for a Polyphonic tv show. So, I went to IMDB and looked up a bunch of tv shows that I’d remembered and some I didn’t and looked up important guest stars on those shows (Tiny Tim, Kiss, Paul Williams) to get the right episodes:
When Things were Rotten episode #1.3
The Cop and the Kid episode #1
Monster Squad (1976)episode #1
Tony Orlando and Dawn episode #3.1
The Paul Lynde Halloween Special (1976)
Love American Style episode #2.18c
Make Your Own Kind of Music 1971
Johnny Cash and Friends 1976
The Bay City Rollers Show 1978
Of these they had the Paul Lynde show and Johnny Cash and Friends.I also had this list:
Brady Bunch Variety Hour
Harlem Globetrotters Cartoon
Laffalympics
Lidsville
HR Puffinstuff
John Denver Variety Hour
Glen Campbell Goodtime Hour
Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour
Shazaam
Isis
Ark II
Greatest American Hero
Cop Rock
Hardy Boys (episode #2.1 and 2.2 with guest star Paul
Williams)
Highway to Heaven
Donnie and Marie
Hee Haw
Sonny and Cher show
Bigfoot and Wildboy
The Kroft Supershow
The Nick and Jessica Variety Hour
No Hardy Boys. One Donnie and Marie.
I was real dissappointed. I guess I expected them to have everything.
The staff was excellent. One guy, who looked like Stephen Colbert, was looking up shows on his computer (because his was better than the Apple 2c I was using). And the guy sitting next to him knew what they had without looking.
“No, that’s Shazaam the cartoon. He’s looking for the live-action one. And no Isis and no Ark II.”
And then he said,
“I think you can get those on dvd.”
But that’s why I’m here at what I thought was the TV’s supercomputer.
He was good, though.
We watched Paul Lynde and Hee Haw and some Carpenters. It’s hard to watch tv in such a setting. There’s no couch and you can’t go get a beverage. Very library. But it was nice to see Paul Lynde and Tim Conway together do some funny. -
Historical Fan Fiction Footnote
I thought about this guy today that I’d met a while back who has since passed away. His name was Terry and he built this tape recorder that recorded at different speeds.
http://www.cnn.com/2004/TECH/science/12/23/gen.us.clonedcat.ap/index.html
I said that this lady was probably from Plano but I wish and hope that she’s from Denton. My friend pointed out that Denton doesn’t have that kind of money. I never had money in Denton but I know there were people who did because I
a)delivered pizza to them
b)almost built a brick house for 2 cats that would have access to the main house.
I shit you not.
I thought about this guy today that I’d met a while back who has since passed away. His name was Terry and he built this tape recorder that recorded at different speeds. He hooked up different parts of stereos together and demonstrated for some friends on camera how it worked by picking up a cat and picking at its underside until it meowed a discontented noise to stop. He would play this back at a slower speed immediately. His stereo was placed on the front lawn and there were cats everywhere. I think they belonged to a girlfriend of his who was a wiccan who liked cats.
I don’t think this lady would have a cat cloned but I hope that her and Terry’s relationship was an influential forebear in some way.
I’m kidding. I don’t. -
Historical Fiction
Well, I have $45,000 in my purse. Oh, wait that’s chocolate. You want some silver bells, Caspar?
http://www.cnn.com/2004/TECH/science/12/23/gen.us.clonedcat.ap/index.html
This lady didn’t want her town named but everyone knows she lives in Plano. Everything that happens happens in Plano. It could have been Garland, the town that King of the Hill is based on, but there’s not enough new money in Garland. It could have been Las Colinas, the home of Office Space, but those young urban professionals are spending money on big time dinners at Macaroni Grill because it’s good dinner.
So, I’m putting my money on Plano. So if she is from Plano then I want my $100 reward that I will use to go eat at Kathy’s Wok in Plano. That’s some good Chinese.
Now here’s my play with the names changed.
DANA: I thought Skrips was dead.
JOE: He is dead. This is a clone of your dead cat.
DANA: Why would I want that? Skrips used to pee in the crib of my baby, Casper.
JOE: You don’t have a baby.
DANA: Yes I do. There he is. C’mer Casper.
JOE: Oh, a baby dog.
DANA: He’
s not a baby, are you Casps? You’re a young man.
JOE: He’s a shitzu.
DANA: Don’t use language like that around my baby. I’m sorry. Young man.
JOE: Anyway, you owe us $50,000 for cloning your cat.
DANA: I said, “Cologne-ing my cat”. He was stinking up the house with his decomposing.
JOE: Well,
DANA: You could have gotten Halston or Drakkar or even Blues Lady and sprayed it on Drips.
JOE: Drips?
DANA: I mean Skrips. Listen, here’s $5. My husband owns 5 Domino’s Pizzas. He can get you discounts.
JOE: I’m dialing my lawyer.
DANA: (looking over his shoulder) I was just seeing if you were dialing a 1-800 number to see if I really need to call mine.
JOE: No, it’s the company’s lawyer.
DANA: Okay, well let me call mine.
SKRIPS II: mew
DANA: You sound just like Skrips. Can you dance? You wanna dance.
(Skrips stands on 2 legs).
JOE: So, you understand how important this is? I could have cured cancer but your kitty paid more.
DANA: Well, I have $45,000 in my purse. Oh, wait that’s chocolate. You want some silver bells, Caspar?
JOE: You shouldn’t give him chocolate.
DANA: Uh huh.
JOE: My lawyer is on the phone. He needs to make sure that you have held the cat.
DANA: Of course I have.
JOE (on phone): Yes she has. Okay I will tell her.
DANA: Tell me what?
JOE: I got to get them silver bells chocolates and the rest of the money in your purse and a couple of ones to make change with the guy who is going to get some Axe Effect to spray on your old Skrips.
DANA: I need the phone. (On phone) Yes I’d like to order two Monsterganzas with everything. No, this is Dana. I need Joey to drive them here. Okay.
(to Joe) We got pizza coming.
SKRIPS II: mew. -
My Christmas
I had a good Christmas. I still have my parents and a grandmother so I’m grateful.
My flight got into Nashville fine but I-24 was closed. So, I was stuck in Nashville. The good thing was that my friend, Janet, was in Nashville staying at her mom’s. So, I had a ride and a place to stay.
Her mom is really, really nice. I think she was a beauty queen at one time. When she picked me up she asked if I was hungry.
“Yeah”
“Do you eat meat?”
“Yeah”
She asked this because Janet doesn’t eat any meat except fish. And by the way, this makes you a fisheater not a vegetarian. I dated a vegetarian whose dad got really excited when he found out I ate meat. Such joy is found in a meat-eating buddy.
“I guess we can just stop at a fast-food place and I can pick something up.”
And then she started dialing the cel-phone.
“You like steak?”
“Yes”
“Hi, I’d like to order a . . .”
And she got me a steak at Outback.
We got to the house and Janet was laid up due to a broken ankle. She was doing video work for Cradle of Filth in Canada and broke her ankle. I like Cradle of Filth.
There were plenty of Michelob Ultra’s in the fridge and they went into my belly with the delicious steak. I crave meat and beer alot. I tried to be vegan for 12 days and I felt great but fell on the 11th day to a free dinner of Steve’s BBQ and Schlitz.
I was at Janet’s from Wednesday through Christmas morning. I felt like a Dicken’s character- a poor lad sitting with a rich invalid girl, drinking beer, watching movies.
Her mom made a big Christmas dinner with Turkey and mashed potatoes and stuffing. Stove Top is good. It hasn’t changed.
On Christmas day, Janet’s stepbrother, Jason, drove me to Clarksville where my folks met me to drive the rest of the way. The road from Clarksville to Cadiz was still shitty but not as bad.
The next day my brother’s family came and spent the rest of my time playing with a 2 year old and a 4 year old who love their Uncle Jon. -
Living Room Show
I like playing living rooms.
I played in Jessica Delfino’s living room last night. It was a great show. It was a variety show with:
Epstein and Hassan www.theblackandthejew.com
Eurotrash
www.odebratwins.com
Jessica Delfino
jessydelfino.blogspot.com
Haunted Pussy
www.hauntedpussy.com
Dan Fishback
www.cheeseonbread.com
Adira Amram
www.whoownsjackkerouac.com
Nick Jones
www.oojamadome.org
and hosted by Mormon SurpriseI like playing living rooms. They’re extremely intimate and I don’t have to plug in. I’ve played them before at parties but nothing like this. Common Rotation, kings of the living room tours, reintroduced me to the charms of a stranger’s living room but this was the gold monkey of living room shows. Next time you gotta come.
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tonight
I’m sad. I think this weather is getting me down. It’s been cold and rainy and I want to go home and sit. But there’s an office Christmas party tonight. And there’s an open bar, free food, and office comaradery. I can’t pass that up.
I will rule tonight. I will hold my free Cosmopolitan that I only drink when free and make awesome small talk. Then, I will find that one guy when I’ve had five and tell him how things should be. More than five and I’ll let him tell me.
And then tommorrow I’m gonna play a show at someone’s parlor. I don’t even know where it’s at or when I go on. That’s livin’. That’s adventure. When adventure is lost you go find it. When writer’s block stands in your way you just walk through it because it’s never really there.
Tonight my rainy day is gonna be sunshine. I know this because my brothers in officework will be with me. -
Rufus Wainwright
I went to see Rufus Wainwright at Barnes N’ Nobles today. My friend, Jason, wears a knee brace so we took a cab from work. We got there in time to hear his last song due to traffic. It was a real good song. That guy is real good.
It was rainy so we walked-he wanted to walk- to Jonny’s Diner on 25th. It was good rainy day food. I got the Sloppy Jonny-chicken, bacon, cheese, coleslaw on a hero. That guy, Johnny, is a good guy, too.
I took Rufus Wainwright’s old manager to Jonny’s Diner once. He wanted to sign me onto his management. He enjoyed Jonny’s and appreciated that I was a cheap date. After our lunch meeting he concluded that I had lost momentum after MTV and Rolling Stone and The New York Press. That’s cool. At least I got a free Sloppy Jonny. And anyway, I’m a fuckin’ Cheerio that’s been to the bottom of the bowl many times. I’m just gonna come right back up again. And it’s gonna be delicious. Like Frosted Cheerios.
Hi.
The office Christmas party is tommorrow night. I’ve played at two of them. The last one I played at I was on fire and played one of the best sets of my life. I was banned from playing any more office parties. It makes coworkers sad that I don’t play these open bar workplaces. They should come see me after work. -
Rainy Day
This day’s got me down a little. I can’t hide it. I don’t have a good poker face. It’s rainy and I saw a lot of carnage this morning, watching Dawn of the Dead before I went to work. What doom those people had being alone in a vast mall with lots of other people outside. Angry dead people wanting to come in.
I’m sad Mekhi Phifer died. He believed in me all through 8 Mile.
I wish I were on the road right now. Being on the road when it’s rainy is cozy. -
Alysha’s Birthday
I played a birthday last night at the Hotel Utah in San Francisco. It was all secret and shit. These folks brought me and I hid in this hallway so as not to blow the surprise for this nice girl, Alysha, and her 30th birthday.
It’s a nice room, the Hotel Utah. It’s got an upright on stage and the room is very intimate. Some shows go perfect and that one did for me. I’m always apprehensive to play parties because they are parties and not shows but that was a wonderful show.
I played a 4-year-old’s birthday a long time ago and it sucked. It was my bosses’ kid and he and his wife were real nice but it sucks playing to tiny children running around. This was nothing like that.
I kept the songs to the fun ones since it was a happy time. I’m enjoying playing piano at shows now. The last show I did I covered a Garth Brooks cover of a Billy Joel song on the piano.
The hosts of this party were very gracious and accomodating. I couldn’t have had a better night. -
some other shows
I played 2 shows Friday night. I accidentally had 2 booked. The first one was at the Balazo Gallery in San Francisco and the second one was down the street at the Odeon Bar.
The first one was booked by my friend, Clitty. That’s his name. He used to come to my Wednesday night weekly shows in Dallas that were usually bare of anyone. He’s a good guy.
It’s a nice place with a bad sound system. It worked good enough. I liked those people that came. I liked them alot. Clitty’s band played and rocked me hard. Their singer looked like a lady, like one of the Bangkok Ladyboys. His mike went out and he shouted in everyone’s ear, one at a time. They’re called Triple Cobra. You should see them.
I finally met Chicken John. He used to do circus stuff with the Bindlestiffs I think. His bar is nice. I went on after some belly dancers. They were pretty. I finally went on at 1. There was a guy, about 50 something, going behind the bar and serving himself. He talked loud to people and was the bar’s darling. That guy went nuts over me. He is me in 20 years. I think his name was Flash. -
Common Rotation-Bitter End
I played a show with my Common Rotation friends last Friday. They’re a swell bunch. The tops. It was at the Bitter End. I like the place but the actual room setup is hard for me. It’s got audiences on the sides as well as the front so you can’t look at everyone at once. They do have a grand piano and I took advantage of it. They played a great set and put the full band on. Some girl had a birthday and she and her friends gave me a plate of wonderfully small baked pastries. And when I got settled after my set, Mr. 102-TMBG-Shows(aka TDK, aka Mike) gave me a bag of Hershey Minatures. He’s a real good guy. They were soon gone but not because of me but because my girlfriend was helping me watch my Weight. It’s good because I’ve been running again.
I’m working on a new Queen cover. I’m also working on songs for the Circus show. I was gonna play one of the new ones that night but didn’t feel it was ready. My piano is bad ass. -
Magic Brian Show
Magic Brian’s show went better than it did the last time. I did Dr. Wankle better and played very well on the old piano. I like Parkside alot. Andy and Karen, the folks that run it, are sweet sweet people. And every time I come in that place at anytime Pete, who runs sound and does other stuff, usually buys me a drink.
My friend, Mackin, showed up. He’s a stand-up fellow. He did his Bobby Brady at my cd-release. We hung out for a long time. I hadn’t seen him in forever.
I played my horse song again. I like that song. I’ve been working on it for a long time and finally “finished” it.
I like playing piano at shows alot. One time I played at my friend Wilder’s house. He has a baby grand in this old Dark Shadows house in Staten Island. Parlor shows are the old living room shows. Leave the kids in bed because I’m coming to your house and playing nighttime songs. -
La Belle Epoque Halloween Show
One day I was getting off the subway to go to work and I saw thin red tape blocking one of the exits to the surface. At the stairs was this guy in a fedora, trenchcoat and a suit that looked as if he had gone to the detective clothing store to buy his workclothes.
I nodded to his direction and told my boss, “That cop bought his clothes at the detective store.” By the time I got upstairs, I realized it was part of a Law and Order shoot.
This morning I went to pick up a shirt at the cleaners and saw this lady on the corner dressed in fortune-telling clothes. There’s no other way to describe it. She had the dress of a fancied old world peasant and she had a red scarf made of lace as a bonnet. Anyway, she had a cup and was going up to strangers. When it was my turn she said, “We’re going to vandalize the world . . . Vandalism.” I love living in this town.
My band played Sunday night at La Belle Epoque. I was going to dress up like Matlock but couldn’t get it together so I just wore a nice suit and colored my eyes. My ladyfriend was Betty Davis.
This place is gorgeous. It looks like a cross between a French restaurant and an old-timey ice cream parlor. It’s on the second floor above an antique store two blocks south of Union Square.
I got to play the grand piano and even though I couldn’t hear myself it was still cool to play it. My friend, Dan Dzula, sat in on the drums that night. His brother puts on fantastic puppet shows. Sammy dressed like a Parisian mechanic and he played real good. Dave went as himself yesterday and had to get home to draw pictures for Dr. Pepper. He drew my wolf.
Ben Ickies started a new band called The Ambitious Orchestra. It’s an 18-piece band that includes strings, bassoon, accordions, and Mr. Ickies conducting. It was very ambitious and lovely.
County Club and the Porn Horns were good, too. The singer/trumpet player dressed like Hacksaw Jim Duggan and the singer/sax player dressed like Mario and the other singer/sax player dressed like Teen Wolf! I was a judge for the costume contest and made sure that guy won. He did the dance when he won. It would have been even more badass if the other sax player went as Styles. And it would have been even more badass than that if they’d brought a portable basketball goal.
I think the restaurant was a little peeved. They wanted people to eat dinner and most had already eaten and didn’t want $12 ravioli. It was a good time though. A real good time. -
Detroit and Huey Lewis
We played at an art school from 11:45 am to about 2:00 pm. It was a good crowd. It was in a tent and some people came and went. Una didn’t get to perform because it was a low tent. The plates go cut out because of time, also. I tried “Maybe Tonite” but my keys were sticking so I just played “Busey Boy” and “My Epilady” and gave out my e-mail address. I need to update my site and make it kick ass for the kids.
I’m in Toledo now. the home of Corporal Klinger. I just heard an Aerosmith song I’ve never heard. It’s epic and it kicks ass. I would love to do a large arena.
I wonder if I would benefit from running up a hill or garbage dump at dusk. Would I hang around? Maybe the romance of “getting home” for dinner makes it a good idea. Would I go for inspiration? Would I only receive the songs of Huey Lewis? If I did then I would hope for a meatloaf dinner and “Back to the Future” when I got home.
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The Triple Crown
I brought my lunch to work today. I didn’t make it cause I didn’t have time but I bought a sandwich real cheap from the bakery by my house. I spent almost $20 for a burger lunch yesterday. That’s bullshit. I shouldn’t be eating that anyway. I did have a salad but still. And they charged for an extra coke. This is at a pub. Irish pubs in NY serve old-timey poor people food at a rich people price. I guess if you have money then you don’t mind buying an $8 BLT or a $9 salad or $13 fish and chips or a $15 corned beef and cabbage. If you want that and you’re a bit low on cash go to McSorley’s. On a weekday. Because it’s too crowded on the weekend.
We had band practice last night and I had time to kill in the city and Sammy calls “Hey, come hang out here before we practice.”
“Where?”
“The Triple Crown.”
“Wow. I just ate lunch there.”
My boss calls it Horsies. -
French Fry
I hadn’t hung out with my friend Janet in a while so we went to the Alligator Lounge. This place is awesome because it isn’t crowded and you get a free pizza with your beer. I’m not talking frozen bar pizza either. I’m a talkin’ about brick oven pizza. I had free pizza. The bar is a pizza party every day. I had my own pizza party. For free.
There’s another place down the street that had karaoke. And the place shouldn’t be called Sweet Ups. It should be called Good Times All Around. Except for this fellow sitting next to me.
“Excuse me, I’m European. Are all Americans this stupid?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean are they this stupid?”
Do I look French to you? Why are you asking me this?
“You mean singing karaoke and having a good time? Yeah!”
And then I turned my back on him.
I think he wanted me to punch him. Who’s stupid enough to come up with this question? “You have good time at the karaoke, erego you stoopid. Correct?” (I’m paraphrasing.)
Really, I think he wanted a fight. And I don’t think he was really European. And I think he knew I was bigger than him. So, I let him be alone. I’m not into that. I wanted him to hear my Garth Brooks song. Who’s stupid now? -
Bad Show
I played at Magic Brian’s show the other night. It was me, Chris Rozzi, Magic Brian and Silvia Machete. I like doing this show. It’s fun and I’m with friends. I was doing a character named Dr. Wankle, a time-travel scientist, who helps the Randy Brothers find a way to go back in time. I sucked. I was ready and then when the show started it felt like someone took a spiritual shit somewhere and I was lost.
And then I played my set. I’ve gotten better at ignoring foreign sounds during shows but that night I was terrible. There was some incessant conversation going on and it was throwing me off because I always want to know what someone is saying. I forgot a whole line from a song and stopped playing to patter with the audience. And then I was thrown off by myself being thrown off.
And I couldn’t figure out where the sound was coming from. I tried being funny about it but couldn’t direct it anywhere.
I did play a new song. And it was good.
When you go to a new restaurant and the food sucks and you spend at least 10 dollars more than you should have-that’s like a bad show. “Man, I’m never going to eat fish there again. I can’t believe I spent $80 on a piece of catfish. I can’t believe I spent $40 on a gourmet hotdog that gave me the shits. Where did the money go? Now I have to buy Tums. I had one beer. I guess that was a $10 beer. I can’t sleep because my stomach hurts. And when I finally sleep I have nightmares of a routines that won’t stop.”
Bad shows are like that but are more like children.
I had a cat once that I rescued from a locked garage. His brothers died and the mother was gone. His eyes were glued shut. But the vet did a blood transfusion and the kitty was fine. But he was a little crazy because he didn’t have a mom to feed from.
Bad shows are like sick kittens. They just need a little love and a blood transfusion. And eye medicine. -
Recording
I recorded yesterday with Pete and Sammy. It turned out really well. We did a new version of Junior High and 3 other songs. I’m real proud of it.
I’ll probably go back in later and add some banjo and more vocals.
I rewrote the lyrics to one of the songs yesterday morning. It’s a good feeling when they turn out well. One of the songs I wanted to record I couldn’t because I can’t get the lyrics right. But this one just came out and worked out fine.
I had general tso chicken when I got home. I go to the place across the street. I think they started putting in MSG or they started putting more MSG in their food. I got a headache before I was done eating. I got bad fish from them last time I went. They’re nice but, well, I should be eating better anyway. I got some fresh beets and collard greens last week and boiled them. It was really good.
If you see me today, I’ll have the rough mix on me if you want to hear it.