BRANTFORD, ONTARIO/SUNDAY

Sunday-Brantford, Ontario

I’ve got a sore throat. I felt like a cold yesterday, but now it’s sore throat. Last night, I drank with more Canadians, “Hey, guy!” Canadians. They were fun.

I just kept drinking and eating cheese.

Tanya, Rocket Johnny’s sister, gave her dog some cheese. It was a lot of cheese. He couldn’t take it all in one easy swallow.

Earlier in the day we went to Rocket Johnny’s parents’ cottage. It’s all wood walls-like wood paneling but real wood. It had two small bedrooms, one bath, a sunroom, and a kitchen connected to the living room. Una, Magic Brian, Stephanie and I walked down the the beach on Lake Erie while Keith practiced throwing knives and tomahawks.

I planted a branch in the sand and claimed Canada cause of the maple leaves on it...

Read More

OTTAWA, ONTARIO

Tuesday-Ottawa

I had a falafel pita and a coke for dinner. The theater was large and the seating was terraced with tables and chairs. The staff was real nice and served us really good beer. Kids were yelling “Corn Mo”, making up for the lack of patrons. I gave out my e-mail address to do phone shows.

This was my first show with Una, the aerialist. I played an Evan Lurie song with the trapeze swing, called a “lira”, and a variation on a Cirque du Soleil song for the rope act which is called the “Cordalise”. She falls down the rope and catches herself before hitting the ground and I was totally on with the cymbal crashing at the end of her fall.

I had poutine for the first time. It’s fries with brown gravy and cheese curds...

Read More

YALE CABARET-New Haven, CT

The last show was the best cause the drama students came back and wanted to see me and yelled. It was the best response and everybody or almost everybody sang along on “My Epilady”.

Saturday morning I walked to the rotating drawbridge from our hotel. the houses were real old. It was nice that there was a sidewalk the whole way there. I smelled dead fish water and it was good. There waas a yard sale at the old folks home with a shopping basket full of clowns. I wanted to get Keith the “Emmet Kelly” ventriloquist doll but I figured he’s prbably sick of clown gifts and I was worried about money.

We ate Mexican food for dinner during Yale’s 300th anniversary. I got a bbq chicken burrito and a coke...

Read More

Omid Djalili- Iran’s comedian

The most anticipated show was Omid Djalili, an Iranian comedian. Me and Nick got tickets three days ahead because they were selling out.

I felt he was going to be the Middle Eastern version of Yakov “What a country!” Smirnov. I was gladly wrong.

Almost.

He started his show by playing the soundtrack to Mary Poppins. That was a good mood setter for the ambivalent.

I laughed alot. Alot.

He’s a big guy who does a good, unintentional Kathy Najimy. He started out, “I’ve been tired with my flight lessons and all.” Oh boy, here comes Yakov. But he was truly funny. He belly-danced and it was funny. I kept laughing. I don’t get many British references and there were many but I got some. I know Michael Fish does the weather on BBC. Now.

“My wife is British and we have to compromise...

Read More

The Dungeons of Edinburgh

I went to the Edinburgh Dungeon today. I enjoy the tourist-trap, horror theme attractions but this sucked ass. I love going to Ripley’s and reading all the stuff about wooden penis sheathes, shrunken heads, and shipwreck stories. This place had those things but about torture devices. As I was reading them I was pushed along by the cloaked tour guides to be guided along to the next horror show.

I wish it were worth it to move along but it wasn’t. It was like a show at a renaissance fair. Scary mixed with not funny. I just wanted to look at torture devices.

Then came the new boat ride called “WitchFynder”. I got a little excited with all the what you can’t do hullaballo (don’t put your arms outside the boat shit)...

Read More

I’m stupider

I ate a nice sit down dinner of fried haddock, peas, mash potatoes, a bit of haggis, tatties, and beer. Good.

I saw a sketch comedy team that was a bit too much on the college humor. They did a Meatloaf parody but it wasn’t funny and pretty much just made fun of his Lose Weight Exercise. Fuckin stupid. Meatloaf is greatness and you better know how to make fun of him. Shit, I don’t know.

Also, if you are going to make political humor, fucking know what you’re talking about and don’t make self-aware sound bites.

I’m no funny guy but I watch enough funny to know funny.

And if you’re gonna make fun of Dawson’s Creek, well, you can fuck that up if you wish but don’t.

I can’t think very good. You’ve made me stupider.

Read More

Don’t Roll Your Eyes at Me. Thank You.

I ate some pasta and drank some Austrailian wine. Sometimes, I feel a punchline to what someone else has said but it takes a fucking eternity to get there. So, those that know me tend to roll their eyes as I begin, “Have you seen ‘Moscow on the Hudson’?” because they know it’s going to be a long night.

People are real polite here. Like those chipmunks that say things like “indubitubly”.

I bought some socks today, too. I’ve been wearing the same pair for at least 3 days. I put them in the window sill to let them air out. I’m excited about tommorrow. New socks!

Everyone should have a one-man show.

I had shitty pizza last night.

I listened to Frank Zappa after dinner.

This is the cultural capital of the world right now so I’m told.

I had an eclair at the bakery on the way hom...

Read More

Throat and a Rocky Horror ripoff

I saw Throat today. It was a one man show. It was amazing. He did two rope acts and a cloud swing act and sang and dance and kneaded dough. It’s one of those shows you can’t really explain. It was just brilliant.

Yesterday, I saw two shows: Goner and Saucy Jack and the Space Vixens. Goner was a comedy set in a hospital. It was fast-paced and funny.

“What do you have against white people? Don’t you like castles?”

Saucy Jack though . . . I wanted to like it. Shit, if you’re going to make a rock musical have a little originality. Rocky Horror is a good musical to take from but don’t take all of it! Fuckin A, they had a Frankenfurter, an Eddie, a Riff Raff-well two Riff Raffs, and a Colombia...

Read More

Haggis

I had haggis today. It was like corn beef hash, deep fried with potato.

Read More

Switzerland-The Swiss

My two French-Swiss friends are very good people. One plays stand up bass and the other plays drums. It’s hard to talk to them sometimes because of the language barrier but it’s my own fault for not speaking French.

I learned some Swiss insults:

Your mother is your father.

Please tell your mother to stop changing lipsticks. My cock is a rainbow.

Even their insults are beautiful.

It’s okay to get high in Switzerland. The chocolate, cheese, watches still get made on time; the money in the Swiss bank accounts aren’t going anywhere; and taking a bottle of wine to the lake is so yesterday and Weimar. You can buy it at the store.

You can also get a work permit as an artist and be a prostitute. For real!

You can walk around with an open container of beer, too.

But you can’t take a shower...

Read More

Edinburgh – cheese n burger

Friday

I had a “cheese n burger” for lunch today. It’s a cheeseburger but it’s dipped in batter and deep fried and put on a bun with brown sauce.

I lost my wallet.

I found it. It was under my bed.

I saw girls in shiny jumpsuits like in “Cannonball Run” giving away soda.

I saw a show today called “The Cat Must Die”. I wanted to like it because it was a Comedy/Musical. It had the ingredients for a good show:

-a cat that drives a remote control car. The cat wasn’t real and not a puppet either.

-God has a Scottish/Yiddish accent.

-Stephen Hawking sings “I Got You Babe”

-A pirate named Edgar Allen Poe

-Underwater scientist who builds “clockwork Nazis” 50 ft tall out of glass. She is Hawking’s nemesis

-The ultimate force of evil is a moustache.

But I didn’t like it.

There are fanny p...

Read More

Edinburgh – Jerry Springer-The Opera

Thursday

I saw “Jerry Springer: The Opera”. It was good. It wasn’t just a gimmick winky. And if it was it was very well done.

My favorite was the man/baby who sang “I just want to shit my pants”.

I also liked the Jerry cam followed by the singing, dancing Ku Klux Klan. The singing was fucking good. The second half was a bit too much ridiculous with Jerry shot and sent to hell. I’d go see it again.

Read More

Wednesday, Yeovil

We’re still stuck at this rest stop. Two girls in horse-riding pants put diesel in their car on accident.

“Did you start it?”

“No.”

“Don’t. We’ll drain it in the garage.”

I like girls in horse-riding pants. I like when girls dress like baseball players, too.

I lived next door to a girl in high school who rode horses. She’d come out of the house in those tight pants and I’d stare at her from my window. She was hot. She was good friends with the girl I took to the homecoming dance. After we broke up, she would come over to her house and lay out in the backyard. I’d mow the lawn and pretend I wasn’t looking but it was hard. She loved metal and wore those flip over boots.

Read More