Corn Mo’s Beer Shower

Me and Clarke and Sylvia got into Waltrop about 6. Nobody that worked at the hotel spoke English but it’s our fault for not knowing German. It was a family run business and the Dad was a good ol’ jolly German but the Mom looked at us with some sort of judgement.

We took our stuff to the room and came back down to the hotel’s restaurant because we were too tired to fuckaround with looking for some other place.

I can’t read German good so I got the special hoping it would be so.

It was excellent. Always get the special. It was some sort of pork with potatoes and kraut salad. I don’t mean to toot my horn or jinx myself but sometimes I can pick the right thing off a menu.

Clark and Sylvia didn’t have the foresight I did although Clark is one of the best cooks I’ve ever met...

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A Plate of Bark

Canker Jo-Jo Elf was sittin’ pretty in Kansas City when
Delicious Sword-Sword Cleric swathered up and said,
“Tuesday’s the day, Jo-Jo.”
“For what?”
“For letting down my guard and allowing myself to sit and try
pork bbq for the first time. Then, I’m gonna pour a glass of
celebration and tilt my head back to good times.”
“Do I know you?”
“You will Tuesday,” he chuckled. “And how.”
Jo-Jo’s pretty sittin’ wasn’t settin’ well.

Tuesday came and went and he never saw Sword-Sword.
Wednesday morning came and a note made of dove wings hovered above
like a message from a dragonfly:
“Dear Jo-Jo,
I was afraid and didn’t celebrate myself. I feel awful
about not knowing you and not eating bbq. I looked at a
wolf’s eye through the window and it instilled new fear about
trying new things...

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Greenville, NC: no score

On our way to Winston-Salem. We had fixed our trailer-a ball bearing was burning a groove in the axle. Last night, we played at Peasant’s Cafe in Greenville, NC. I was a little tired. this wa the town Magic Brian almost went home with the hot lady, Laura, back in April. She came to this show. She was the volunteer for a Magic Brian card trick and Brian kissed her hand as she left the stage.

The kids screamed for me again-it ALWAYS feels good.

During the straightjacket routine, one smart ass volunteer, who kept looking behind the back curtain, was trying to be clever on his hometown. The other guy was drunk and chained up Magic Brian’s and Keith’s necks.

Afterwards, I signed a few autographs, including one to a girl who wanted me to take a picture of her with the circus...

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Raleigh

Last night we played in Raleigh and met up with Gary and Ian who are doing the article for Nerve Magazine. We played at a club called Kings. Everyone was real nice. Chris, the sound guy, was real good. They had a good jukebox- Bowie, Deep Purple, Prince, Brian Eno, Van Halen’s Fair Warning album . . . and cool video games though the Tempest machine was broken and so was the sit-down Star Wars game (the vectrix version).

I got a good response in lieu of an atmosphere of dead spirits. It was hard to get the audience excited. I don’t know if they were uptight or tired or hot.

Right now I want to jump out of the van and run through this traffic just up the dotted line on I-40 W. I don’t think I’m exciting enough for Gary, the writer for Nerve. Or hang out the door...

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Winston-Salem, NC

Last night, we played in Winston-Salem at the warehouse-The Wherehouse. I think it’s some kind of collective. I played real good. I felt on and played off the other performers well.

We pied Brian cause it was his birthday. I messed up during Una’s second act because I was trying to tell Keith about a videographer.

There is a building in Winston-Salem that was designed by the man who designed the Empire State Building. It’s a mini version of it.

Today, I ate at Snook’s BBQ near Keith’s parents’ house.

I had:

Pork bbq

3 deviled eggs

Turnip greens (with pepper-vinegar sauce)

Cabbage (with cornbread)

Sweet tea

and 2 yam sticks with cinnamon.

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Burlington, VT

Vermont is real pretty. We took the scenic route and went through a bunch of beautiful New England towns. In Bennington, I had lunch and ate “our favorite” which was apple bread with cream chees and then melon balls and other fruit and topped with Vermont cheddar. It was good.

I’ve never played in Vermont and people screamed for me during “Busey Boy”. Even before I started playing. After a while it was a little embarrassing. I sold 13 cds and signed a bunch of autographs. It felt good. Real good. The “bearded lady” told me he heard good things from when he was in Austin.

I love when shows go good. It’s the best feeling in the world.

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New London, CT

We’re on our way to pick up Magic Brian. I’m recovering from a bad fish lunch. I burped up lunch twice. Una got lucky with Sean who likes my name cause it relates to his tattoo of an Indian lady with corn and his daughter, Daisy Maize.

Last night, I struggled and I wasn’t right on. I kept knocking off my noise makers and cd player off the table because of my cymbal crashes. I stood on a mall elevated stage. I didn’t fall off though. We did a good show and the folks liked it. The writer form Nerve magazine came. I signed a few autographs.

I was afraid of the audience at first when Una declared that she had 1$ programs. Total silence. They warmed up though.

We drank with the locals after the show backstage. We went to someone’s apartment and drank and played Scrabble...

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Cleveland and the Blair Witch

We’re in Cleveland now. I”m seeing road signs for places I sent bags to for my old job. That bank, Charter One, was at the time their biggest client. I feel resolution meeting these towns with no attachment to my old job.

We saw Blair Witch II in Cleveland. it was like a WB movie. Naked ladies dancing. We laughed a bit. It was what I expected it to be. I have terrible gas. maybe it was the Mexican food from lunch. I’m a terrible eater. I need to slow down. I weigh 180. I’m a fat ass. My ulcer is acting up.

JOKE I made up:

2 breakfast cereals walk into a bar and order beer. The bar keep says, “That’s awful.”

The cereal says, “I’m sad.”

The other cereal says, “Me, too.”

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Tv Buddy List

People I want to watch tv with:

1. Corbett Sparks

2. Ben Stiller

3. Kevin Cronin

4. Jeff Speedealer

5. Not Kevin Cronin

6. Not Vincent Gallo

7. President Clinton

8. My Dad

9. One of my late dogs

10. Maybe George Clooney

11. Kevin Spacey

12. My brother

13. I feel bad for making my girlfriend watch tv all day unless she says she enjoys it.

14. Nikki Sixx

15. Maybe Mick Mars

16. Chris Flemmons

17. Matthew McConaughy

18. Richard Kmietzch

19. I want to go get pizza with Nikki Sixx.

20. Huey Lewis maybe

21. Test out James Belushi. I don’t know.

22. Christopher Guest

23. Martin Short

24. Kid Rock

25. Not ZZ Top

26. Marilyn Manson

27. Tv buddies don’t judge you for watching tv, but you can both feel bad for watching too much. Plus, no sports...

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BRANTFORD, ONTARIO/SUNDAY

Sunday-Brantford, Ontario

I’ve got a sore throat. I felt like a cold yesterday, but now it’s sore throat. Last night, I drank with more Canadians, “Hey, guy!” Canadians. They were fun.

I just kept drinking and eating cheese.

Tanya, Rocket Johnny’s sister, gave her dog some cheese. It was a lot of cheese. He couldn’t take it all in one easy swallow.

Earlier in the day we went to Rocket Johnny’s parents’ cottage. It’s all wood walls-like wood paneling but real wood. It had two small bedrooms, one bath, a sunroom, and a kitchen connected to the living room. Una, Magic Brian, Stephanie and I walked down the the beach on Lake Erie while Keith practiced throwing knives and tomahawks.

I planted a branch in the sand and claimed Canada cause of the maple leaves on it...

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OTTAWA, ONTARIO

Tuesday-Ottawa

I had a falafel pita and a coke for dinner. The theater was large and the seating was terraced with tables and chairs. The staff was real nice and served us really good beer. Kids were yelling “Corn Mo”, making up for the lack of patrons. I gave out my e-mail address to do phone shows.

This was my first show with Una, the aerialist. I played an Evan Lurie song with the trapeze swing, called a “lira”, and a variation on a Cirque du Soleil song for the rope act which is called the “Cordalise”. She falls down the rope and catches herself before hitting the ground and I was totally on with the cymbal crashing at the end of her fall.

I had poutine for the first time. It’s fries with brown gravy and cheese curds...

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YALE CABARET-New Haven, CT

The last show was the best cause the drama students came back and wanted to see me and yelled. It was the best response and everybody or almost everybody sang along on “My Epilady”.

Saturday morning I walked to the rotating drawbridge from our hotel. the houses were real old. It was nice that there was a sidewalk the whole way there. I smelled dead fish water and it was good. There waas a yard sale at the old folks home with a shopping basket full of clowns. I wanted to get Keith the “Emmet Kelly” ventriloquist doll but I figured he’s prbably sick of clown gifts and I was worried about money.

We ate Mexican food for dinner during Yale’s 300th anniversary. I got a bbq chicken burrito and a coke...

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Omid Djalili- Iran’s comedian

The most anticipated show was Omid Djalili, an Iranian comedian. Me and Nick got tickets three days ahead because they were selling out.

I felt he was going to be the Middle Eastern version of Yakov “What a country!” Smirnov. I was gladly wrong.

Almost.

He started his show by playing the soundtrack to Mary Poppins. That was a good mood setter for the ambivalent.

I laughed alot. Alot.

He’s a big guy who does a good, unintentional Kathy Najimy. He started out, “I’ve been tired with my flight lessons and all.” Oh boy, here comes Yakov. But he was truly funny. He belly-danced and it was funny. I kept laughing. I don’t get many British references and there were many but I got some. I know Michael Fish does the weather on BBC. Now.

“My wife is British and we have to compromise...

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The Dungeons of Edinburgh

I went to the Edinburgh Dungeon today. I enjoy the tourist-trap, horror theme attractions but this sucked ass. I love going to Ripley’s and reading all the stuff about wooden penis sheathes, shrunken heads, and shipwreck stories. This place had those things but about torture devices. As I was reading them I was pushed along by the cloaked tour guides to be guided along to the next horror show.

I wish it were worth it to move along but it wasn’t. It was like a show at a renaissance fair. Scary mixed with not funny. I just wanted to look at torture devices.

Then came the new boat ride called “WitchFynder”. I got a little excited with all the what you can’t do hullaballo (don’t put your arms outside the boat shit)...

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I’m stupider

I ate a nice sit down dinner of fried haddock, peas, mash potatoes, a bit of haggis, tatties, and beer. Good.

I saw a sketch comedy team that was a bit too much on the college humor. They did a Meatloaf parody but it wasn’t funny and pretty much just made fun of his Lose Weight Exercise. Fuckin stupid. Meatloaf is greatness and you better know how to make fun of him. Shit, I don’t know.

Also, if you are going to make political humor, fucking know what you’re talking about and don’t make self-aware sound bites.

I’m no funny guy but I watch enough funny to know funny.

And if you’re gonna make fun of Dawson’s Creek, well, you can fuck that up if you wish but don’t.

I can’t think very good. You’ve made me stupider.

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Don’t Roll Your Eyes at Me. Thank You.

I ate some pasta and drank some Austrailian wine. Sometimes, I feel a punchline to what someone else has said but it takes a fucking eternity to get there. So, those that know me tend to roll their eyes as I begin, “Have you seen ‘Moscow on the Hudson’?” because they know it’s going to be a long night.

People are real polite here. Like those chipmunks that say things like “indubitubly”.

I bought some socks today, too. I’ve been wearing the same pair for at least 3 days. I put them in the window sill to let them air out. I’m excited about tommorrow. New socks!

Everyone should have a one-man show.

I had shitty pizza last night.

I listened to Frank Zappa after dinner.

This is the cultural capital of the world right now so I’m told.

I had an eclair at the bakery on the way hom...

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Throat and a Rocky Horror ripoff

I saw Throat today. It was a one man show. It was amazing. He did two rope acts and a cloud swing act and sang and dance and kneaded dough. It’s one of those shows you can’t really explain. It was just brilliant.

Yesterday, I saw two shows: Goner and Saucy Jack and the Space Vixens. Goner was a comedy set in a hospital. It was fast-paced and funny.

“What do you have against white people? Don’t you like castles?”

Saucy Jack though . . . I wanted to like it. Shit, if you’re going to make a rock musical have a little originality. Rocky Horror is a good musical to take from but don’t take all of it! Fuckin A, they had a Frankenfurter, an Eddie, a Riff Raff-well two Riff Raffs, and a Colombia...

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Haggis

I had haggis today. It was like corn beef hash, deep fried with potato.

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Switzerland-The Swiss

My two French-Swiss friends are very good people. One plays stand up bass and the other plays drums. It’s hard to talk to them sometimes because of the language barrier but it’s my own fault for not speaking French.

I learned some Swiss insults:

Your mother is your father.

Please tell your mother to stop changing lipsticks. My cock is a rainbow.

Even their insults are beautiful.

It’s okay to get high in Switzerland. The chocolate, cheese, watches still get made on time; the money in the Swiss bank accounts aren’t going anywhere; and taking a bottle of wine to the lake is so yesterday and Weimar. You can buy it at the store.

You can also get a work permit as an artist and be a prostitute. For real!

You can walk around with an open container of beer, too.

But you can’t take a shower...

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Edinburgh – cheese n burger

Friday

I had a “cheese n burger” for lunch today. It’s a cheeseburger but it’s dipped in batter and deep fried and put on a bun with brown sauce.

I lost my wallet.

I found it. It was under my bed.

I saw girls in shiny jumpsuits like in “Cannonball Run” giving away soda.

I saw a show today called “The Cat Must Die”. I wanted to like it because it was a Comedy/Musical. It had the ingredients for a good show:

-a cat that drives a remote control car. The cat wasn’t real and not a puppet either.

-God has a Scottish/Yiddish accent.

-Stephen Hawking sings “I Got You Babe”

-A pirate named Edgar Allen Poe

-Underwater scientist who builds “clockwork Nazis” 50 ft tall out of glass. She is Hawking’s nemesis

-The ultimate force of evil is a moustache.

But I didn’t like it.

There are fanny p...

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