Some background information: John Titor is the Paul Bunyan of time travel. Eloi Cole is either the James Frey of time travel or the Billy the Kid of time travel.
John Titor and Eloi Cole are sitting at a bar. John is drinking beer and Eloi is drinking 12-year-old single malt. Both are getting to the point of talking too much.
At one point, John says, “Eloi, what year did you say you came from again?”
Eloi responds, “That depends, John. What year did you come from?”
The Price is Right strategy comes to play at this moment. If Eloi says 2016, then John will say 2017. John can say whatever he wants about the year 2017 because Eloi doesn’t know what has happened in 2017. Furthermore, John can ask Eloi who won the World Series in 2016. In addition, John can always use the future civil war to combat the World Series question. Yet, there are too many chess moves for both of them so it’s best that the subject changes.
Eloi says, “What’s the best joke of the day from whence you came?”
John says, “Lisa Rinna from the old, old television show Baywatch walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Hey, what happened to your lips? You look 10 years younger!””
Eloi says, “And then what?”
John says, “That’s the joke. When the civil war comes, nothing is funny. Uplifting stories are preferred.”
Eloi can’t think of a move and says, “Bartender, I’ll have another Mountain Dew Code Red.” He turns to John and says, “Thank God for time machines.”
Old Josh and Regular Susan had just come back from the Museum of Natural History. Regular Susan had just taken off her shoes and was hoping to take off more.
“So, what do you want to do now?”
“I have the Monster Manual under my bed.”
“And?”
“We can look through it. Together.”
“That sounds fascinating.”
“You have to be naked to look at it.”
“Well, then. Let me take my clothes off.”
At that point, Old Josh realized that Stormbringer was the only weapon he could use at this point. Yet, although he was all chaotic evil on the outside he was still neutral good on the inside. So, he feigned sickness and told regular Susan she should probably leave on account of his contagion.
“So, yeah, you should probably go.”
“Okay. I get it.”
So, Susan left; and because of a good night’s sleep, she gave an excellent presentation the next day. Meanwhile, Old Josh played video games while thinking about Susan. That’s when he got the idea for a pause button on coin-op video games. His plan would be to wait until Young Josh caught up to the age of Real Time Old Josh before engineering the idea since an Real Time Old Josh would have the proper education for making it happen. However, by that time, Real Time Old Josh realized that not only was it a bad idea but also that no one played coin-ops anymore.
Sadness enveloped Real Time Old Josh, for no one would believe his story in the World of Warcraft.
There was a regent who ate po boys every day. He was really proud of his lunches – so much so that daily he told everyone what kind of po boy he was having.
“Guess what kind of po boy I’m having today?”
“Do I know you?”
“Oyster!”
Sometimes he would strike up a conversation about his lunch with other po boy aficionados. One of those conversations was with a guy who jumped trains. He had to constantly remind others that he was not the definition of a hobo. He liked to eat smoked oysters on hot dog buns.
That conversation lasted a long time and wasn’t repeated since the train jumper disappeared the following day.
A few weeks later, the regent regaled a story to a stranger about the time he had a regular shrimp sandwich instead of a po boy.
The stranger remarked, “Well, you are what you eat.”
The stranger was being a bit distant because he badly wanted out of the conversation and didn’t give much thought to the anecdote. The regent, however, did give it much thought and began eating rich foods.
The diet he switched to was considered rich food in some circles – cheeseburgers, meatloaf sandwiches, $7 sausages. Because of this diet, his health declined and he succumbed to gout. Because of the gout, his self-esteem grew since it was once considered to be a rich man’s disease and because his self-esteem grew, he no longer ate the rich foods. His gout went away and he looked much better.
His looks changed so much that he quit his regent job and became an actor.
His name was Mark but you know him as Daniel Craig.
Now you know the rest of the story.
In a ditch next to my home I found an old body being eaten away by vultures. Vultures are cool to look at. I can easily watch one have dinner on a dead raccoon. But not a human. While shooing the vultures away with my rake I noticed that the body was still alive. Carelessly, I threw the body over my shoulder like a sack of dog food as the threat of the vultures seemed greater than the threat of a back injury. My bad.
Inside, I put the body on the couch and called 911 and then retrieved a glass of water. Cradling the body’s head, I served the water to the mouth. The body coughed and color began to come back on the face. Through the blood and hair and grass, I saw a woman. She was pretty.
She said, “Thanks for the water.”
Then, she handed me a subpoena and said,
“You’ve been served.”
She left and I finally opened an old Christmas present that was a vhs set of the series, Are You Being Served? I ordered pizza and a 2-liter of coke. Good times.
In the superhero scene it's hard to one up someone when all you have is the ability to change yourself into a pile of clothes. It's a defense mechanism which in the superhero world is also seen as being weak. I've always hated my ability because I'm too special to be considered normal and yet too unspecial to be considered super. Yesterday, it all changed. Five superheroes and myself were arrested for conspiring to put beer kegs in the nuclear cooler at the local plant. Since they put us in superhero confinement, there was no way for the "real" superheroes to get out since they superproofed it. At one point in the evening, I changed my appearance to look like The Flash and then later into a corrections officer and then I fell into a passing laundry cart, changing again into a pile of clothes. It was a classic move as the cart was pushed into the back of a laundry truck which was driven to an industrial laundry plant. I walked out of there looking exactly like Matthew Broderick in Glory.
since i wasn’t using it, i lowered my chin-up bar to 12 inches above the floor. i damn myself every time i trip over it. instead of fixing the situation properly, i put a traffic cone in front of it and damned myself when i tripped over it and the bar. instead of fixing the new situation properly, i put a flag pole in the traffic cone and retrieved an autumn-themed flag for the pole to remind myself that there was a chin-up bar impeder. i damned myself again as i saw the flag and thought about how much i enjoy autumn weather and seeing leaves change color and then tripped over the chin-up bar again. instead of fixing the situation properly, i bought a sensor that connected to my record player. when I passed the sensor, the sensor triggered the needle on the record player to land on a random part of a John Philip Sousa record reminding me of the chin-up bar. that seemed to work.
then i damned myself for impeding my life.
There was this man who worked at a sanctuary for chimpanzees in Florida. He used to be a nightwatchman for a company that made gps chips for pets. Some vets would put them in but not others. Some vets thought it ridiculous to put a chip inside an animal in order to keep track of it. One vet said, “I saw Gattaca. It was nice.” And then he railed on treating people and pets as products. “People will be fucking idiots if you let them.”
The former nightwatchman, Larry, remembered a friend who took empty pill cases and filled them with candy and then didn’t go further with his project. It’s good when cleverness sees a red light, thought Larry. But his drive to make something amazing dimmed that light, so he could see behind it clearly.
What he saw was a way to inject prions with a cognitive ability to speak.
In the sanctuary there was a chimp who loved to watch television. Her name was Stacey and she watched soaps and infomercials and sometimes talk shows. Her mate had passed away a few years prior to this time and she mainly kept to herself. Larry would sit with her, watching tv from the floor every night while she sat in the comfortable chair.
And every night, he stirred trying to figure a out way to inject this chip into her head without much fuss. He didn’t want to hurt her and was afraid his curiosity would end up killing her. Then, a commercial for a flea and tick spray came on the tv and so did his lightbulb: He would put the chip inside a tick, let it rest upon on her head, and once the tick had burrowed in, wait until it filled with blood. Then, he would then squeeze the tick, deflating its body like a turkey baster of blood and chip that goes into the chimp to be delivered into the brain.
He was so nervous that night but it worked. Furthermore, he looked like a hero for taking off the tick.
He sat and waited to see if anything – if anything at all – would happen.
2 hours later, she turned to him and just stared. Larry started to cry knowing he’d done wrong and then she said, “I’d really like to watch tv alone if you don’t mind.”
On a blanket on some rocks next to a boulder under a tree among the pine needles lay a tired old prospector. Too tired to cook, the old man used the sack of beans for a pillow. The faint smell of bear poop kept his danger sense awake but the rest of him collapsed in slumber. And this was his dream:
“Hello, Cracky!” said the barman. It was the most fantastic saloon he’d ever seen. The women who worked there were gorgeous.
The old man was suddenly awakened by the moist nose and warm breath of the bear he’d sensed nearby. Somewhat comforted, most of his body wanted to go back to sleep. But before the internal debate could transpire, the bear bit into his head like an apple. Not a mealy roma but a hard crisp granny smith.
There was no gold anywhere.
How did you know where to find the IBM 5100?
Yesterday, I used the gravitational machine as a transporter for distance rather than time. It’s almost like walking through a door from your room in NYC to a room in Hot Springs, AR, which is where I went.
Did you set the machine to go there?
I set the machine to find the parts I needed through a plugin I’d installed. It’s like a search engine except that instead of ending at website, I end up in Hot Springs, AR at an antique mall.
Upon arriving in a stall in the lavatory (it gauges the closest and safest destination) I noticed a fellow washing his hands. I think he noticed I’d mysteriously come out of a bathroom I’d never gone into. He began following me without much discretion, looking away when I turned around. He was very bad at it.
My destination was a toy store located in the middle of the mall. I inquired as to where the handheld video games were located and was directed to a display case where I found the needed items: one MB Electronics Merlin, one MB Electronics Microvision, and a Mattel Electronics Baseball.
After my purchase I took these items, with my new friend in tow, to the snack bar. I took each of them apart and arrayed the circuit boards in a triangle. I have a triangular, synthesized crystal that is able to “sense” the data of the boards and record them. I set the crystal on the boards, under the watchful eye of my friend who didn’t order anything from the snack bar. I had ordered a root beer and some onion rings.
With that, I pocketed the crystal, tucked a piece of my shirt into the Merlin’s shell, placed my root beer on top of the Merlin, and proceeded to get up, allowing the root beer to spill all over the circuitry. This would provide a quick distraction to the bystanders and especially to my pursuer who had just punched three times onto his mobile phone.
I doubled over some ketchup packets and exploded them onto the pursuer’s shirt. Vehemently apologizing, I offered to get some wet paper towels while heading to the lavatory. All this was done in a flowing, quick manner that would have made WC Fields proud.
Fortunately, the pursuer was very passive and just stared as I passed him to the lavatory. I went into stall number 2 and made my escape with the gravitational machine, which was now programmed with the crystal, taking me to Rochester, MN, 1975.
When I arrived, I called my relative and we met at Macho Nacho.
I had nachos.
John Titor’s Real Blog
This old guy from town fashioned a bird out of marzipan for a contest to see who could make the best Ortolan Bunting dining experience without harming a bird. Inside the marzipan, he packed corn-based sweetened breakfast cereal to mimic thorny bones and salted jellies for organs. There was a tiger behind him doing the same thing with a wax figure. When he turned around, the tiger cocked his head like a kitty asking to go outside in its cutest manner (cats killing birds around the home is congruent to natural selection because they evolved a darling face to humans). The cat was gnawing on a large stick to fashion a femur within its paws, then taking the wood bone by its mouth to the fake leg and nudging it inside the pants with its nose. Behind the tiger was a baby and the baby had fangs and was laughing at the funny papers someone had glued to the ceiling. The comic was Howard Huge and the enormous dog had eaten a room of marzipanned figures: a tiger, a man, and an Orontal Bunting. The frustrated cartoon child next to the cartoon dog said something funny but the baby couldn’t read and the laughing eventually showed the fangs to be rice pudding spittle.