Friday, June 23
Des Moines, IA
House of Bricks

Clear Lake, IA

Fort Custer Maze
I was lucky on the drives as I was coupled with Tyler Fyre, the show’s mc and sword swallower. His van is bad ass. It has flame-tricked pedals and xm radio and good times waiting in each town. He can stay up all night having those good times and still be good to drive and still put on a good show when we arrive.
We started those good times when we passed by the Fort Custer Maze and then turned around to go do it. It took us well over an hour.
If I had money to burn, I would have one of those mazes built, have it changed daily and would toddle through it quickly between the hours of 6 and 7 am. Then, I would have a breakfast fruit cup waiting for me and a breakfast beer that I had previously invented, which bore me the wealth that paid for that very large maze. Just kidding. I’d invest back into the company. and writing classes.
I bought a fossil there because it was on sale. $5 for a trilobite. I think that’s a good deal.
This was in Clear Lake, IA, which is also the last town that Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper played before they died in a tragic plane crash. We found the venue, the Surfland Ballroom, and went inside. It’s a beautiful room.

Des Moines
We made good time getting to Des Moines.
The House of Bricks has a garage door that divides itself during showtime. There’s also a large basement to hang out in.
I finished soundcheck early and watched Johnny Reeferseed play a bit. He and some friends sat on stage and passed the guitar.
I played a lot of Megatouch, during the downtime. I enjoy winning trivia games. You’ll find my name there along with the names of my friends in the winner’s circle.

Showtime
The shows would go like this: I’d do an opening set of 30-45 minutes. Then the Burlesquepades would begin. During that show, I would do a mini-set and then sit in with the band for a couple of numbers, ie. ZZ Top or Preston Epps. I would usually go on after Kitten DeVille, who has a strong stage presence. It was a challenge for me to follow her – a woman who has taken most of her clothes off. But, I enjoyed the challenge and it made me a stronger performer.
I was heckled by a man with his own pitcher of beer. I took the Look-At-Me to the mat and he quieted a bit. It always helps when the audience wants you to win. And I did.
After the show, I treated myself to a Mickey’s. I haven’t had that in a long time. I remembered that the length of time I’d gone without a Mickey’s wasn’t solely due to its absence from a bar’s menu. It has a large mouth.

A gallery of beverages with the proclivity to be Brigadooned to my mouth
  My Mickey’s      Billy Bass w/ Grape Drink Dispenser
Nik L Nip

Upon walking into this venue, there was a man named Cadillac Andy playing a baby grand in the style of boogie woogie along with a drummer.  He was very good.  Rockabilly piano isn’t played enough from where I’m listening.  I felt awkward loading in and setting up while he played on the floor, although he didn’t seem to mind and we had to do it.
There were plenty of dressing rooms for everyone.  I went to the basement, which was reminiscent of hanging out in your neighbor’s basement- musty smell, a dartboard, an old couch, and more dudes than girls. 
The theater is excellent and the sound guy was great.  The seating arrangement, however, made it a bit rough to play to the audience.  There were a few seated near the front but most were sitting on the sides far, far away.  It was like trying to play a proper tennis match with a fellow who’s down the hall, to the left and then take another left. 

 the layout   

   my tennis analogy    

   if the layout were a garden instead of a theater, the audience would fare well as crocuses

The dinner was half-off at this theater.  I ordered the shrimp cocktail and the linguini in clam sauce.  Holy shit was it good.  Better yet, I found an empty loft above the stage where I could eat dinner, drink beer and check the news of the world within a space of time that started after the ZZ Top number up until the Billy Idol finale. This would be my dinnertime window for the rest of the tour.

  ZZ Top’s Keys

Midwest Tour with The Pontani Sisters
Wednesday, June 21
Chicago, IL
Martyrs
Drove from Paducah, KY to Chicago.  Traffic in Chicago is amazing!  I truly toddled.  Things learned:  Don’t take sureties over the phone with Expedia and keep close watch on your parking meter.  And get the pizza at Martyrs.  It’s good.
The girl that hit on me was real pretty.  And then a myspace friend bought me the pint of Guinness that she’d promised me on my myspace.  I drank the pint with her and another myspace friend and a fellow that I didn’t know from myspace or anywhere else.  That girl that hit on me was pretty drunk yet still really pretty.
I returned my car rental to the airport around 1am and there was a really long line waiting for me.  Everyone was peeved in the line.  One man said he was a Hertz Gold member and was really, really peeved.  I’m not a gold member and I have games (Uno Challenge) on my phone so I was doing okay with waiting yet still a bit anxious since the tour van was waiting on me to go to the hotel.
Poor me.  A precious martyr. Ha  Ha!  Get it?  ‘Cause I played at Martyrs!
Sorry.

started reading a new book.  wish i could download text onto my contact lenses.  only way you could tell i’m reading is by me pretending to hear you talk.  and you ask me what did you just say.

it’s reading like a girl book so far.  but it’s written well.  i wish i could keep reading it.  i bet tv lenses come before text lenses.  by that time, season five of Lost will be the most downloaded.  and i’ll have finished the girl book by then.

my friend recommended the book.  sort of.  so, it’s not like i saw it on the shelf and said, I’d like to read a romance novel.

He put blankets on the crops around 4 today to make sure that the frost didn’t kill them. There were about 25 electric blankets lying on a bed of tobacco plants waiting to be turned on.  He wanted to get a head start on his dark plants, creating a longer growing period, thus making the plants more mature and perhaps more flavorful.  He’d argued at the pizza palace the day before about chickens (the older they are the more tasty/nooo, the older they are the more tough and oldey).

Later: 

The frost came and (wouldn’t you know it?) one of the electric blankets went out and, as a result, the others went out much like Christmas lights.

Later:

The leaves froze and by sheer habit, he broke off a piece and put it in his mouth as he did the turnip greens in August.  At first, he was angry when he chewed but then he cocked his head to the side causing his dog to do the same.  The taste was sweet.  Real sweet.  And you can go to your books and find that this doesn’t happen but it did.  Like a riesling wine (I’m told) but in the form of a skoal bandit or a plug.

Results: 

He called them Plug Cakes. They soon got the nickname, Cancer Cakes, although they sold like hot cakes.