We played at an art school from 11:45 am to about 2:00 pm. It was a good crowd. It was in a tent and some people came and went. Una didn’t get to perform because it was a low tent. The plates go cut out because of time, also. I tried “Maybe Tonite” but my keys were sticking so I just played “Busey Boy” and “My Epilady” and gave out my e-mail address. I need to update my site and make it kick ass for the kids.

I’m in Toledo now. the home of Corporal Klinger. I just heard an Aerosmith song I’ve never heard. It’s epic and it kicks ass. I would love to do a large arena.

I wonder if I would benefit from running up a hill or garbage dump at dusk. Would I hang around? Maybe the romance of “getting home” for dinner makes it a good idea. Would I go for inspiration? Would I only receive the songs of Huey Lewis? If I did then I would hope for a meatloaf dinner and “Back to the Future” when I got home.

On our way to Winston-Salem. We had fixed our trailer-a ball bearing was burning a groove in the axle. Last night, we played at Peasant’s Cafe in Greenville, NC. I was a little tired. this wa the town Magic Brian almost went home with the hot lady, Laura, back in April. She came to this show. She was the volunteer for a Magic Brian card trick and Brian kissed her hand as she left the stage.

The kids screamed for me again-it ALWAYS feels good.

During the straightjacket routine, one smart ass volunteer, who kept looking behind the back curtain, was trying to be clever on his hometown. The other guy was drunk and chained up Magic Brian’s and Keith’s necks.

Afterwards, I signed a few autographs, including one to a girl who wanted me to take a picture of her with the circus. Without me in it. I don’t know.

I wanted to go sleep at the hotel. Brian was going to hook up wand people bought beer for a party at the “hook up” lady’s house. I decided to go and Una went with me to check it out. I stayed after hearing Ween’s “White Pepper” album and they bought New Castle. Una left. I also stayed in case Brian had to leave.

I enjoyed these folks. They were very nice. Brian asked Laura to dance and they swing danced while I drank and talked. Andrea tried to “sign language” that she couldn’t stay for the slumber party because Brian would be sleeping over. i told her to stay on the couch. The other roommate shared string cheese with me.

As Magic Brian went behind the closed door to perform magic, I borrowed a book from the roommate because I wake up early and didn’t want to experience boredom in someone’s house. She loaned me David Sedaris’ “Holiday on Ice”. I read a few short stories the following morning. They were good. His sister is Amy Sedaris from “Strangers With Candy”. She’s really hot.

Brian got no action save for second base and I got to read David Sedaris and drink Ssips Berry Tea and had more string cheese. Poor Brian.

Last night we played in Raleigh and met up with Gary and Ian who are doing the article for Nerve Magazine. We played at a club called Kings. Everyone was real nice. Chris, the sound guy, was real good. They had a good jukebox- Bowie, Deep Purple, Prince, Brian Eno, Van Halen’s Fair Warning album . . . and cool video games though the Tempest machine was broken and so was the sit-down Star Wars game (the vectrix version).

I got a good response in lieu of an atmosphere of dead spirits. It was hard to get the audience excited. I don’t know if they were uptight or tired or hot.

Right now I want to jump out of the van and run through this traffic just up the dotted line on I-40 W. I don’t think I’m exciting enough for Gary, the writer for Nerve. Or hang out the door. He taped us at the mall today while we waited for Stephanie. Keith and Brian spinned rope.

Lots of things were not so good last night. The glowing diablo was dropped for the first time and I was having a hard time with my accordion. The keys got stuck and my cord fell out of it during the plates act. Folks liked it though. We got a six-pack of Shiner and Rolling Rock for the hotel from the door guy who looked like a small Gene Simmons. We drank and watched Conan O’Brien.

Today, Ian took pictures of us outside the Red Roof Inn. I did my stupid rocknroll poses. He did some of just Keith and Stephanie.

We ate at IHOP and I’ve been uncomfortable since.

Una bought two Springsteen tapes for her trip today because she rides by herself. Gary and Ian are riding with us right now. Shashana got laid off today. She likes it.

Last night, we played in Winston-Salem at the warehouse-The Wherehouse. I think it’s some kind of collective. I played real good. I felt on and played off the other performers well.

We pied Brian cause it was his birthday. I messed up during Una’s second act because I was trying to tell Keith about a videographer.

There is a building in Winston-Salem that was designed by the man who designed the Empire State Building. It’s a mini version of it.

Today, I ate at Snook’s BBQ near Keith’s parents’ house.

I had:

Pork bbq

3 deviled eggs

Turnip greens (with pepper-vinegar sauce)

Cabbage (with cornbread)

Sweet tea

and 2 yam sticks with cinnamon.

Vermont is real pretty. We took the scenic route and went through a bunch of beautiful New England towns. In Bennington, I had lunch and ate “our favorite” which was apple bread with cream chees and then melon balls and other fruit and topped with Vermont cheddar. It was good.

I’ve never played in Vermont and people screamed for me during “Busey Boy”. Even before I started playing. After a while it was a little embarrassing. I sold 13 cds and signed a bunch of autographs. It felt good. Real good. The “bearded lady” told me he heard good things from when he was in Austin.

I love when shows go good. It’s the best feeling in the world.

We’re on our way to pick up Magic Brian. I’m recovering from a bad fish lunch. I burped up lunch twice. Una got lucky with Sean who likes my name cause it relates to his tattoo of an Indian lady with corn and his daughter, Daisy Maize.

Last night, I struggled and I wasn’t right on. I kept knocking off my noise makers and cd player off the table because of my cymbal crashes. I stood on a mall elevated stage. I didn’t fall off though. We did a good show and the folks liked it. The writer form Nerve magazine came. I signed a few autographs.

I was afraid of the audience at first when Una declared that she had 1$ programs. Total silence. They warmed up though.

We drank with the locals after the show backstage. We went to someone’s apartment and drank and played Scrabble. I was told that I said, “I think I’m gonna pass out,” and went to sleep in a chair and Una sang seven Corn Mo songs while I slumbered. She’s real good.

I had a room to myself at the hotel and watched Big Daddy and Short Circuit II.

We’re in Cleveland now. I”m seeing road signs for places I sent bags to for my old job. That bank, Charter One, was at the time their biggest client. I feel resolution meeting these towns with no attachment to my old job.

We saw Blair Witch II in Cleveland. it was like a WB movie. Naked ladies dancing. We laughed a bit. It was what I expected it to be. I have terrible gas. maybe it was the Mexican food from lunch. I’m a terrible eater. I need to slow down. I weigh 180. I’m a fat ass. My ulcer is acting up.

JOKE I made up:

2 breakfast cereals walk into a bar and order beer. The bar keep says, “That’s awful.”

The cereal says, “I’m sad.”

The other cereal says, “Me, too.”

People I want to watch tv with:

1. Corbett Sparks

2. Ben Stiller

3. Kevin Cronin

4. Jeff Speedealer

5. Not Kevin Cronin

6. Not Vincent Gallo

7. President Clinton

8. My Dad

9. One of my late dogs

10. Maybe George Clooney

11. Kevin Spacey

12. My brother

13. I feel bad for making my girlfriend watch tv all day unless she says she enjoys it.

14. Nikki Sixx

15. Maybe Mick Mars

16. Chris Flemmons

17. Matthew McConaughy

18. Richard Kmietzch

19. I want to go get pizza with Nikki Sixx.

20. Huey Lewis maybe

21. Test out James Belushi. I don’t know.

22. Christopher Guest

23. Martin Short

24. Kid Rock

25. Not ZZ Top

26. Marilyn Manson

27. Tv buddies don’t judge you for watching tv, but you can both feel bad for watching too much. Plus, no sports. That’s different than watching tv. Just shows. Good shows, bad shows. At least one family show like Family Ties.

*Someday, if you win a lot of money, go to someone’s house and decorate the walls with beanie babies. Lots of beanie babies. With lots of hanging beanie baby holders-like shoe holders you hang on doors.

Then, when your friend comes home say,

“I won money!”

28. The Bindlestiffs-but not all together. I feel like there may be on who doesn’t want to watch. Keith and Stephanie or Una and Magic Brian or Keith and Magic Brian or Una and Stephanie. One at a time would be good, too. The idea would be to watch VH-1 all day in the hotel room: “Behind the Music” marathon.

Sunday-Brantford, Ontario

I’ve got a sore throat. I felt like a cold yesterday, but now it’s sore throat. Last night, I drank with more Canadians, “Hey, guy!” Canadians. They were fun.

I just kept drinking and eating cheese.

Tanya, Rocket Johnny’s sister, gave her dog some cheese. It was a lot of cheese. He couldn’t take it all in one easy swallow.

Earlier in the day we went to Rocket Johnny’s parents’ cottage. It’s all wood walls-like wood paneling but real wood. It had two small bedrooms, one bath, a sunroom, and a kitchen connected to the living room. Una, Magic Brian, Stephanie and I walked down the the beach on Lake Erie while Keith practiced throwing knives and tomahawks.

I planted a branch in the sand and claimed Canada cause of the maple leaves on it. We found a dead bird and Magic Brian needed a wing for his act so Una ripped it off with her feet. Magic Brian later threw it away cause of the many maggots and the whole process of the ripping disconcerted him a bit.

We met up with Rocket Johnny, John (his buddy), and the Wau Wau sisters up the beach. We watched the sun set quietly.

Back at the cottage we had very large steaks, a good salad, and beer. Rocket Johnny’s mom made a cranberry relish for the steaks. Crazy Canadians always coming up with good things!

Tuesday-Ottawa

I had a falafel pita and a coke for dinner. The theater was large and the seating was terraced with tables and chairs. The staff was real nice and served us really good beer. Kids were yelling “Corn Mo”, making up for the lack of patrons. I gave out my e-mail address to do phone shows.

This was my first show with Una, the aerialist. I played an Evan Lurie song with the trapeze swing, called a “lira”, and a variation on a Cirque du Soleil song for the rope act which is called the “Cordalise”. She falls down the rope and catches herself before hitting the ground and I was totally on with the cymbal crashing at the end of her fall.

I had poutine for the first time. It’s fries with brown gravy and cheese curds. Being in Canada is like a great “what if” or parallel universe. It’s just like the USA with subtle differences. The candy bars say Nestle or Cadbury but they also say things like Viking and hell I don’t know I should have written them down. And the speed limits are in kilometers. There was a guy at the show who looked and dressed like Geddy Lee-same hair with a blazer and a t-shirt. And I heard “Swangin'” on the radio. I haven’t heard that song in ten years. Hell, I’m an idiot and can’t write.

At the end of the show, instead of blowing kisses I threw my fist in the air. I gave away a cd to the first person who talked to me and gave away two shirts to the staff.

I woke up the next morning and everyone was working out in the hotel room. Magic Brian was doing push-ups against the wall. Una was doing sit-ups sideways. Keith and Stephanie were doing sit-ups. I went and made coffee and watched an episode of “Alf” without commercials.

We left for rantford, Ontario, located between Toronto and Detroit. It’s the hometown of Wayne Gretzky and the late Phil Hartman, and Rocket Johnny.

The last show was the best cause the drama students came back and wanted to see me and yelled. It was the best response and everybody or almost everybody sang along on “My Epilady”.

Saturday morning I walked to the rotating drawbridge from our hotel. the houses were real old. It was nice that there was a sidewalk the whole way there. I smelled dead fish water and it was good. There waas a yard sale at the old folks home with a shopping basket full of clowns. I wanted to get Keith the “Emmet Kelly” ventriloquist doll but I figured he’s prbably sick of clown gifts and I was worried about money.

We ate Mexican food for dinner during Yale’s 300th anniversary. I got a bbq chicken burrito and a coke. Keith didn’t eat because he needed to allow four hours before he swallows his swords. He used to swallow skewers and bring of pieces of apple.

At 5:00 pm we saw the Gog/Magog Project, a play by a Yale student. It starred the son of the guy with the mustache from “Benson”. He was real good. His character had locked himself in a cage and performed shows at 8:00 every night for a year as an experiment on theater. He ends up staying fifteen years.