Diamond Deers

One time I feeled up this tree to see if it had diamonds in the bark. Someone had tipped me off and told me a rich man who had plenty of disposable income decided to make buckshot out of diamonds. Real diamonds. Not synthetic and not glassy fakes. He wanted to kill a deer with it so that he could serve venison with prizes. Oh, how eccentric he would be.
“Look at me I’m so crazy and wealthy! I’m a tart and I don’t care! Everyone listens to what I say so that I’ll throw them a bone filled with cash!”
So, he took a jar of diamonds and poured them into the casing and topped it off. He made five of these. He fancied himself a Van Helsing but stopped short of wearing a fedora.
I’m brilliant. I should film this. No. I’ll get Johnson to film it.
“Johnson!”
Where is he?
“Johnson!”
“Yes sir.”
“Go get the camera. Posthaste! We’ve got an artfilm to make.”
“Getting it.”
Johnson began filming.
“No. No. NO. more cameras! Here’s the AMEX. Go to Best Buy and get three more! No, wait go to B & H and see if you can get good ones with minute lenses.”
“You’re the boss.”
“You’re damn right I am. I’m the damn captain.”
So, filming ensued and the captain made his bullets, killed some deer, made some sausage, fried up some venison and made a dvd out of the whole thing.
When the friends came over for dinner, the captain waited for them to find their easter eggs in the meat but never did. He sweated and pined until finally someone said,
“Captain?”
“Yes!”
“Where’s the coke?”
And with that he walked over to the entertainment system showed them the dvd, talking through the movie, telling them what idiots they are and made all of them use the bathroom in a prospector’s pan.
So, when I say I’m feeling up this tree, I can tell you that I know two things: The captain is a poor shot and after sifting through poop I deserve these diamonds or my name isn’t Def Code Johnson.