During my time in Europe with Planet Banana, I was hanging out with Clarke in his box truck/house while he was making me dinner. We had a terrible show that day at the Glastonbury Festival. Terrible show (including falling props, unattentive sound guy, and an uninvited volunteer on acid). And it would only get worse.

“But,” he interjected, “I love my life. I love playing shows. I love making dinner in my truck. I love that this is my home. I’m very happy with this.”

That’s the way it should be. And now, after playing a great show in Toronto, I’m on a train to Windsor, ON because I couldn’t find a ride to Detroit. And it’s a very nice adventure.

I love what I do. I love panicking to get a ride to Detroit. The shitty times of my life are dimming due to adventure. I love playing shows. I love knowing it’s what I do. I love talking shop to other showpeople. I love hanging out with other entertainers I’ve looked up to. I love that what I do is slotted in so many different arenas: comedy shows, rock clubs, circus tents, puppet stages, festival stages, the street, horse racing parks, arenas, living rooms, backyards, the bedroom, the office, television, sideshows . . .

I love that I can get away with this.

I’ve got it good today.

Why I enjoyed the Empty Bottle:

-South Park pinball

-I tried out Golf Tee and liked it

-took pictures with perfect strangers in the photobooth

-got a “good job” pat on the back while in position to pee in the comode

-a guy blacked-out during my set (I gave him a cd)

-Tim cried during my set and said quietly at the end, “That’s my Jigger.”

(Jigger is his dad’s best friend’s name that’s become mine. The real Jigger named his son, Chevas. Drink-themed names are fantastic.)

-the staff were real nice.

-Staff member, Robert’s moustache

I left my lady and my friends in Hersey to come to Toronto on my own. I was worried about my friends and the merchandise and the fees to get them in so I felt it would be easier for them and me if I came alone.

I got a 9:15 Greyhound and had my own seat. I tried reading but I kept falling asleep. I got company in Syracuse.

We got off the bus at the border around 6:30 and I got to see Niagara Falls for the first time. The sunrise came through the mist and turned it pink. It was beautiful. There was this old Klaus Kinski-type guy who pointed it out to me. I got through customs easier than I thought. I paid my worker’s permit and got back on the bus.

Some older idiot from Missouri came up to his buddy who was waiting to have his bags checked by the customs agents said,

“They not the chosen few.”

Dumbass.

I got to Toronto easily, put my accordion in a locker and treated myself to a breakfast burrito from McDonalds. Dumbass.

The great Starlight Mints scrambled to salvage the show in Birmingham. The Nick let us play at their Venue. I really like that club. The patrons are friendly and the beers were free. I got to see some old friends like Darren Thornberry who used to play with my ex-girlfriend’s brother, Josh, in Blue Demonstration in Dallas. Josh plays in Lift To Experience now. It’s cool when there’s that one guy who keeps your beer cup full and Darren was that guy.

My friend, Dru, came, also. I asked her to the Trigg County Basketball Homecoming dance back in 10th grade and she turned me down. Years later, I went to my first Cunningham family reunion and saw her dad there. Shit, I wish she had said yes if for nothing else but to have a true Kentucky relationship. From then on I introduced her as my cousin. She’s real cool and let us stay at her place that night.

When the Cunninghams came to Cadiz, KY back in 1802 they had a mess of kids. My kin came from the first son and hers came from the eighth. Mine went on to make syrupy moonshine and bootlegged it to Nashville. I’m sure some of mine interwined with some of hers in ways that some circus families intertwine.

I had a real good time at that bar. You should go sometime.

I played Nashville last night at a bar called Springwater. There was a Santa Claus at the bar with me named Vern. He’s a nice fellow. We visited.

Then, I played pool with Flash, this 50-year old guy who’s Christian name was Douglas. He looked like Michael Jeter. He made me go to pool school cause my bridge was unconfident. I knocked a few in and he knocked ’em all in. I bought him a Bud and he got cut off not soon after. He taught me how to play pool drunk by using the lights.

The sound went in and out during the set so I unplugged and finished out the show in style. I’m working on my Liberace flourish.

I shouldn’ta ate spaghetti before the show. It made me sleepy.

I walked up and down Bloor street and got a lot of stares. I think I look funny or something.

Rocket Johnny picked me up and I hung oot with him and Paul and Tom Comet and Beks. We went to check oot Hollynorth, the film prop store. Rocket was in the Bindlestiff’s with me and left to do his own thing: www.daredeviloperacompany.com. Paul does his music. Tom Comet has a record juggling chainsaws. Beks swallows fire and other things.

I learned some cool shit:

You can by fake blood by the gallon.

You can adjust fake, falling snow by the thickness and the speed.

You can get a fogger that fits in the palm of your hand.

You can buy non-toxic slime for $80 dollars.

I got a pen for free.

Tom Comet built a board that has a nkob that when you move it side to side, 25 different explosions occur at the speed of your hand. It’s good for machine gun pretending.

Playing Denton was magic. That’s my town I lived in the longest in my life. That’s the town I tried to leave but couldn’t. That’s the town I started Corn Mo in.

It was perfect to play with Paul Slavens and Hand of Onan. Paul Slavens is the new Victor Borge. NO lie. He and Jeffrey Barnes of Brave Combo played together and he ruled that stage.

Hand of Onan is Wally from Cornhole and Hotlink Records and Ted from Brutal Juice and The Banes and a really good drummer.

All my rowdy friends came out and some got shitfaced and some soberly gave testament to tears that were shed during my show. Man, I missed Denton at that bar. It was a golden night. After, I hung out with the Angel of 2001 and Amber of 2003 and Cody and Melissa and Jason Asphalt. I drank a lot of cheap wine and listed to Tripping Daisy and watched Amber of 2003 push Jason into a table and break the shit out of it-for telling her joke. She’s hot and strong.

Fuckin’ Bubba slept. Long live the 2bc.

The next day, my ride for the tour, Luke, goes: “Denton’s cool.”

I got so fucking stressed getting to the Austin City Limits show. We couldn’t find the parking lot and had 30 minutes to get to the stage. I jumped out of the van and walked. A guy in a cart saw me and goes,

“I should give you a ride . . . but I won’t.”

Then, I remembered the festival told me I was supposed to get a cart ride.

“Hey, man, can you give me a ride to the stage? I go on in twenty minutes.”

“We can’t do that. We got a lot of work to do. Your stage is only 100 feet away.”

It was real close. I saw a few people waiting by the stage which was the crowd I was expecting. After I started playing it got bigger. Some guys had signs that requested songs, Corby and Dave Lane from The Ticket showed up, a girl from high school came, and a bunch of other folks showed up.

It’s hard playing festivals because there is no end to where you throw your presence. It just goes on. How far do I play to? Shit, I don’t know.

The coolest part was the 20 minute line to say “Hello” or sign people’s programs. That was real nice.

I hung out with my high school friend, Audra, and her husband, Blake. It was real nice.

I didn’t get to hang out with my old Bible-study leader, Gary. He’s a good friend. I fell asleep right in front of him while he tried to teach me the good book, once. He’s good people.

It feels real good to get your friends free beer and I did. Drinking free is the best gift to give an entertainer.

We stayed at Tracy Miller’s house that night. She played in Lithium Xmas in Dallas and married a Slovak named, Stano. They went to the bar and I was exhausted and ended up hanging out with Stano in his studio.

His paintings are real good. A lot of commie themes and drinkin’ and naked ladies. There’s more to them but I’ll write that essay later. He was really into Laibach and tried to get a passport to their one-world state. Instead he got a green card to work in Austin. Laibach is fucking awesome. Stano’s livin’ the life.

I’m starting to draw again. I’ll show you.

Dallas was bad ass. Whenever I play Dallas now I get teary-eyed. Your friends who rooted for you in Dallas show up real proud. I curse a lot during the show because I’m a little nervous and I’m not good at not cursing, yet. Some dads gave their kids earmuffs when I started, “You guys are gonna make me fuckin’ cry.” And then my dirty-word, dirty-word spewed even more. After shows like that I feel like I’ve run 5 miles. It feels real good. And seeing the Spree in Dallas was the same feeling. Everyone is proud of them, too. After seeing Tripping Daisy all those years and then seeing this new creation that’s blowing up made all of them proud.

Oh, I got this email from my friend, Halee that sums this entry up:

Jon…don’t know how often you actually get to check e-mail but I had to write and suck up to you for a second. Friday night at the Granada? You were G.R.E.A.T. Obviously I have been a Corn Mo fan a long time, and I thought you were way great before, but holy crap, I don’t know what you’ve done or if you sold your soul to the devil or what…but your show was the slickest and the most well-oiled machined-runnin’ performance I’ve seen you do ever.

And I got goosebumps and laughbumps and I’m real proud of you, mister.

mister mister,

halee

That’s why I play shows.

I’m in Asheville right now. Since Denton the Polyphonic tour has been on hold until the 30th in Toronto. There was a death in the family. God bless them.

We pulled in last night at a Walmart and used their facilities and slept in the van in their parking lot. We were in Chattanooga where I played an instore at Chad’s.

There were five people in that store and I rocked as best I could. This is the kind of tour I love-the kind that turns into adventure. We had spent the first day after the Denton show in New Orleans where we were going to work on getting last minute shows but ended up drinking at Lafitte’s. Which was fine because surrender is good sometimes. Then we did a lot of “touristy” stuff- like drinking more and going into the places that tourists go in and out of.

The second day of New Orleans was a little depressing cause alcohol is a depressant and I wanted to get back on the road.

I got to hang out with my friend Lorraine, though. She let us stay at her place. She’s real good folk. She makes her living at stiltwalking and makes really cool things. She’s in the Bindlestiff Family Cirkus as Dr. Sloat. Her sister is Philomena. She’s got Belgian ancestry just like Van Damme.

I’m in Denton. I ate a breakfast taco this morning and it was good. We left from Nashville yesterday. A butterfly flew in the van from the highway and hit Luke in the chest. I was playing Playstation and stopped playing to get that shit on video. It lived to the gas station and he set it in some weeds. I don’t know if insects regenerate fluid. I saw a rooster at the gas station walking around.

We pulled into Denton about 1:30 last night and went to the bar and got a tall one and caught up with folks. Me and Chris Flemmons hung out late at his house and then he went to Whataburger and I fell asleep.

There’s pretty girls on campus.

I’m in Nashville getting ready to leave for tour. Luke and Kathy just pulled up in their van and have started napping. They just bought this van that has a tv/vcr/playstation 2 and a bed. Janet’s getting her shit together right now. I’m excited about van party. This is going to be a fucking cool adventure.

Speaking of cool, I visited my brother on his birthday yesterday and went to the mall with my family for lunch. I rode the carousel with my niece, Maddie, who is 3. She cried earlier because I wasn’t watching the Tigger Movie with her even though I was in the room checking email. She rode my shoulders in the mall and my neck felt wet and played hide and seek in the Electronic Boutique where I was looking for a playstation present for Luke.

Now I’m ready to rock the stage and make history for myself.