• When the prospector fell asleep

    On a blanket on some rocks next to a boulder under a tree among the pine needles lay a tired old prospector. Too tired to cook, the old man used a good sack of beans for a pillow. The faint smell of bear poop kept his danger sense awake but the rest of him collapsed in slumber.
    This was his dream:
    “Hello, Cracky!” said the barman.
    The old prospector looked around the most fantastic saloon he had ever seen. The women who worked there were gorgeous.  The whiskey was on tap along with beer.  The piano player was a retired president.

    The old man was suddenly awakened by the moist nose and warm breath of a bear. Somewhat comforted, most of his body wanted to go back to sleep. But before the internal debate could transpire, the bear bit into his head like an apple. Not a mealy roma but a hard, crisp granny smith.
    There was no gold anywhere.

  • John Titor Fan Fiction: Nacho ’75

    How did you know where to find the IBM 5100?
    Yesterday, I used the gravitational machine as a transporter for distance rather than time. It’s almost like walking through a door from your room in NYC to a room in Hot Springs, AR, which is where I went.
    Did you set the machine to go there?
    I set the machine to find the parts I needed through a plugin I’d installed. It’s like a search engine except that instead of ending at website, I end up in Hot Springs, AR at an antique mall.
    Upon arriving in a stall in the lavatory (it gauges the closest and safest destination) I noticed a fellow washing his hands. I think he noticed I’d mysteriously come out of a bathroom I’d never gone into. He began following me without much discretion, looking away when I turned around. He was very bad at it.
    My destination was a toy store located in the middle of the mall. I inquired as to where the handheld video games were located and was directed to a display case where I found the needed items: one MB Electronics Merlin, one MB Electronics Microvision, and a Mattel Electronics Baseball.
    After my purchase I took these items, with my new friend in tow, to the snack bar. I took each of them apart and arrayed the circuit boards in a triangle. I have a triangular, synthesized crystal that is able to “sense” the data of the boards and record them. I set the crystal on the boards, under the watchful eye of my friend who didn’t order anything from the snack bar. I had ordered a root beer and some onion rings.
    With that, I pocketed the crystal, tucked a piece of my shirt into the Merlin’s shell, placed my root beer on top of the Merlin, and proceeded to get up, allowing the root beer to spill all over the circuitry. This would provide a quick distraction to the bystanders and especially to my pursuer who had just punched three times onto his mobile phone.
    I doubled over some ketchup packets and exploded them onto the pursuer’s shirt. Vehemently apologizing, I offered to get some wet paper towels while heading to the lavatory. All this was done in a flowing, quick manner that would have made WC Fields proud.
    Fortunately, the pursuer was very passive and just stared as I passed him to the lavatory. I went into stall number 2 and made my escape with the gravitational machine, which was now programmed with the crystal, taking me to Rochester, MN, 1975.
    When I arrived, I called my relative and we met at Macho Nacho.
    I had nachos.
    John Titor’s Real Blog

  • Tonight, Sept 12

    vampire_smarttix.jpg

    Straight Up, Vampire!
    ARS NOVA THEATER
    511 W.54th St. at 10th Avenue
    (next to The Colbert Report)
    8pm
    I'll be playing Ben Franklin, turning into a werewolf.
    TICKETS

    The New Yorker: What does Paula Abdul have in common with vampires, werewolves, and Benjamin Franklin? One group of performers, including members of the puppet-human hybrid company Jollyship the Whiz-Bang, set out to find the answer this past weekend, at the Bowery Poetry Club. Michael Schulman caught the show and offers this report:"Straight up, now tell me / do you really want to love me forever?" The songs of Paula Abdul obviously carry hidden messages about the living dead. That, anyway, was the idea behind "Straight Up Vampire: The History of Vampires in Colonial Pennsylvania as Performed to the Music of Paula Abdul." The show, by Nick Jones (of the inspired rock-and-roll puppet band Jollyship the Whiz-Bang), Zak Vreeland, and Peter J. Cook, was surprisingly intricate, with a cast of characters that included Paula Abdul Blackwood-a young Quaker girl with a penchant for bloodsuckers-and a werewolf incarnation of Benjamin Franklin (Corn Mo). No telling whether Abdul's oeuvre will be fodder for the next Broadway jukebox musical. Still, now seems as good a time as ever to revisit the Abdul songbook through the lens of vampire-human love.

  • This Weekend

    CORN MO
    Friday, September 5
    Fairfield, CT
    Fairfield Theater Company
    Stage One
    70 Sanford St. (across from Metro North stop)
    7:30pm (doors at 7)
    Tickets: $22
    w/ The Zambonis and Tragedy
    more info

    STRAIGHT UP, VAMPIRE!
    PHILLY FRINGE FESTIVAL
    Saturday, September 6 and Sunday, September 7
    Philadelphia, PA
    First Unitarian Church of Philadelphia
    2125 Chestnut St.
    I will be playing local hero, Ben Franklin, in this staged reading
    of the history of vampires and Paula Abdul in colonial Philadelphia.
    more info