Upcoming Shows

Friday, January 27
Los Angeles
UCB Theater
Audio’s Amigos with Hard N’ Phirm
5919 Franklin Ave

Saturday, January 28
Purchase College

Thursday, February 9
Automatic Vaudeville
Ars Nova Theater
511 W 54th St.
cute mini set!

Burlesque-A-Pades Tour
The World Famous Pontani Sisters
Kitten de Ville

Trixie Little
The Hate Monkey
Corn Mo
Tyler Fyre
The Fisherman Xylophonic Orchestra

2/14 – The Birchmere, Alexandria,VA
2/15 – The Otto Bar, Baltimore MD
2/16 – The Bowery Ballroom, NYC
2/17 – TT The Bear’s, Boston, MA
2/18 – Asbury Lanes, Asbury Park, NJ
2/19 – World Cafe Live, Philadelphia, PA

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Baby Dee Is Excellent

I have a lot on my plate today. When I get home I can start finishing those things. One of the things I have to do is- no wait, two of the things are:
learn a Ben Ickies tune
learn a Baby Dee tune
Ben wrote a song for his orchestra but can’t be at his show and asked me to play it for him. That’s cool. I like his work.
And I have to learn a Baby Dee song for next week.
About three years ago I stayed at this lady’s house in Ohio. She let me have her bed and she slept elsewhere. Had I known she would be sleeping on the dining room floor I would have refused for she had to get up early to do her paper route. She, Una and I had stayed up that night in her kitchen drinking wine...

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Hula Hoops

I get emails for shows all the time. And I try to make them. And sometimes its cold outside and my stomach hurts from not cooking my food well enough. Or some other reason. That would be a reason not to go out.
But when someone calls me and invites me to a show it’s hard not to go. They took time to make sure I knew they had a show and asked me to please come. I can’t let a friend down.
I made lobster ravioli for dinner and I think I messed up the sauce because my stomach hurt really bad not too soon after I ate.
I was given a PS2 and it can suck your life. I can leave it alone and not want to play but I had a hankering for an RPG so I found Evil Dead: A Fistful of Boomstick.
The game itself is okay but the cool part is Bruce Campbell’s voice. I love that guy. http://www.kittenpants...

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My Band

Saturday night was one of the best saturday nights of saturday nights. Three bands at my house, friends, beer, new friends, good times all around.
My friend Jim brought his band, Deck of Jack, which was him and another guy named Fuzz. They were fantastic. I’d done a solo show with him at a BBQ a couple of years ago. But this one was a lot different.
Fun raps. Yo raps on the mike. Really fun.
And then the Live Ones. My roommate’s band with the drummer singing. Like the Carpenters set up but with KISS-like sermon banter and straight up rock. The guy, Mike, puked behind his drums because he played too hard. I love that. That’s a rock show. That’s the spirit. That’s the way it should be done.
And then we took the stage and we were sloppy but it was still fun...

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Rock Circus Practice

Like building a model rocket- you spend days making it and then take it to the park. It’s going to either be spectacular or a dog is going to bite it and chew on it and then bury it.

I started working with this girl, Irene, on the rock opera. It was weird having someone else sing a song I wrote. I had to let go and let her take the wheel and drive. Like building a model rocket- you spend days making it and then take it to the park. It’s going to either be spectacular or a dog is going to bite it and chew on it and then bury it. Well, it was spectacular. Irene took the torch and high-fived her coach at the finish line.
I’m gonna write another for her to sing.

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Damn Candy

Man, if anyone lives in NYC and wants to start a soccer team, let me know. Because fat soccer players either die or get thin. I have a Leeds shirt I can wear and that will inspire me to win.

Dammint. I just had a M-azing bar from the snack machine. I did really well yesterday by eating well but sucked today by getting a hot dog lunch and a poor candy chaser. I’m turning into a shit machine. And my gym just upped their rates. I hope nobody goes there so they’ll go back down on their price.
You know what sucks about a 65 cent candy bar? Is that the level of joy is lower than the level of reprisal. My desk faces the damn machine. I’ll prove it. From left to right:
sun chips(french onion)
dipsy doodles
chex mix
wheat thins
snyders pretzels
fantasy mix
welch’s fruit shits
some coo...

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a cougar can take a rabbit

The receptionist I work with is taking off next week to lay down some tracks. He raps. His name is BRock. You can pronounce it either way. I hope he goes far. He’s real nice.
He told me his producer told him to rhyme about escalades and shit he can’t afford. Now he’s told to rhyme about the ghetto.
He had a rhyming dictionary up on his computer.
“things that rhyme with -ain”
“Castles of Spain”
“woodworking plane”
I really hope he uses one of those two options that are really on this site.
I helped him a little and got him going. He got really excited. He told me what he was going to write about and I told him he was already writing it as I repeated it back to him. Write it down.
Oh, and fuck escalades...

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My Brother’s Kids

It’s not how many freethrows you make it’s how you got to the freethrow line.
And that you can make a freethrow. And Ben Stiller’s making some freethrows.

I thought that whenever I have a kid I’m going to let him or her watch television all the time. My reference point for success was Ben Stiller. He watched a lot of tv as a kid and if he hadn’t there would be no Heatvision and Jack. He is the Cable Guy. In a good, productive way.
I heard some radio guy in London dismissing him but you know what? It’s not how many freethrows you make it’s how you got to the freethrow line.
And that you can make a freethrow. And Ben Stiller’s making some freethrows.
Anyways, my brother has two kids and they love books. They get to watch videos every once in a while but that’s it...

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Me and Louis and Bobbi went to the Museum of Television and Radio yesterday. We were researching for a Polyphonic tv show. So, I went to IMDB and looked up a bunch of tv shows that I’d remembered and some I didn’t and looked up important guest stars on those shows (Tiny Tim, Kiss, Paul Williams) to get the right episodes:
When Things were Rotten episode #1.3
The Cop and the Kid episode #1
Monster Squad (1976)episode #1
Tony Orlando and Dawn episode #3.1
The Paul Lynde Halloween Special (1976)
Love American Style episode #2.18c
Make Your Own Kind of Music 1971
Johnny Cash and Friends 1976
The Bay City Rollers Show 1978
Of these they had the Paul Lynde show and Johnny Cash and Friends.

I also had this list:
Brady Bunch Variety Hour
Harlem Globetrotters Cartoon
HR Puffi...

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Historical Fan Fiction Footnote

I thought about this guy today that I’d met a while back who has since passed away. His name was Terry and he built this tape recorder that recorded at different speeds.


I said that this lady was probably from Plano but I wish and hope that she’s from Denton. My friend pointed out that Denton doesn’t have that kind of money. I never had money in Denton but I know there were people who did because I
a)delivered pizza to them
b)almost built a brick house for 2 cats that would have access to the main house.
I shit you not.
I thought about this guy today that I’d met a while back who has since passed away. His name was Terry and he built this tape recorder that recorded at different speeds...

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Historical Fiction

Well, I have $45,000 in my purse. Oh, wait that’s chocolate. You want some silver bells, Caspar?


This lady didn’t want her town named but everyone knows she lives in Plano. Everything that happens happens in Plano. It could have been Garland, the town that King of the Hill is based on, but there’s not enough new money in Garland. It could have been Las Colinas, the home of Office Space, but those young urban professionals are spending money on big time dinners at Macaroni Grill because it’s good dinner.
So, I’m putting my money on Plano. So if she is from Plano then I want my $100 reward that I will use to go eat at Kathy’s Wok in Plano. That’s some good Chinese.
Now here’s my play with the names changed.
DANA: I tho...

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My Christmas

I had a good Christmas. I still have my parents and a grandmother so I’m grateful.
My flight got into Nashville fine but I-24 was closed. So, I was stuck in Nashville. The good thing was that my friend, Janet, was in Nashville staying at her mom’s. So, I had a ride and a place to stay.
Her mom is really, really nice. I think she was a beauty queen at one time. When she picked me up she asked if I was hungry.
“Do you eat meat?”
She asked this because Janet doesn’t eat any meat except fish. And by the way, this makes you a fisheater not a vegetarian. I dated a vegetarian whose dad got really excited when he found out I ate meat. Such joy is found in a meat-eating buddy.
“I guess we can just stop at a fast-food place and I can pick something up.”
And then she started dialing the...

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Living Room Show

I like playing living rooms.
I played in Jessica Delfino’s living room last night. It was a great show. It was a variety show with:
Epstein and Hassan www.theblackandthejew.com
Jessica Delfino
Haunted Pussy
Dan Fishback
Adira Amram
Nick Jones
and hosted by Mormon Surprise

I like playing living rooms. They’re extremely intimate and I don’t have to plug in. I’ve played them before at parties but nothing like this. Common Rotation, kings of the living room tours, reintroduced me to the charms of a stranger’s living room but this was the gold monkey of living room shows. Next time you gotta come.

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I’m sad. I think this weather is getting me down. It’s been cold and rainy and I want to go home and sit. But there’s an office Christmas party tonight. And there’s an open bar, free food, and office comaradery. I can’t pass that up.
I will rule tonight. I will hold my free Cosmopolitan that I only drink when free and make awesome small talk. Then, I will find that one guy when I’ve had five and tell him how things should be. More than five and I’ll let him tell me.
And then tommorrow I’m gonna play a show at someone’s parlor. I don’t even know where it’s at or when I go on. That’s livin’. That’s adventure. When adventure is lost you go find it. When writer’s block stands in your way you just walk through it because it’s never really there.
Tonight my rainy day is gonna be sunshin...

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Rufus Wainwright

I went to see Rufus Wainwright at Barnes N’ Nobles today. My friend, Jason, wears a knee brace so we took a cab from work. We got there in time to hear his last song due to traffic. It was a real good song. That guy is real good.
It was rainy so we walked-he wanted to walk- to Jonny’s Diner on 25th. It was good rainy day food. I got the Sloppy Jonny-chicken, bacon, cheese, coleslaw on a hero. That guy, Johnny, is a good guy, too.
I took Rufus Wainwright’s old manager to Jonny’s Diner once. He wanted to sign me onto his management. He enjoyed Jonny’s and appreciated that I was a cheap date. After our lunch meeting he concluded that I had lost momentum after MTV and Rolling Stone and The New York Press. That’s cool. At least I got a free Sloppy Jonny...

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Rainy Day

This day’s got me down a little. I can’t hide it. I don’t have a good poker face. It’s rainy and I saw a lot of carnage this morning, watching Dawn of the Dead before I went to work. What doom those people had being alone in a vast mall with lots of other people outside. Angry dead people wanting to come in.
I’m sad Mekhi Phifer died. He believed in me all through 8 Mile.
I wish I were on the road right now. Being on the road when it’s rainy is cozy.

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Alysha’s Birthday

I played a birthday last night at the Hotel Utah in San Francisco. It was all secret and shit. These folks brought me and I hid in this hallway so as not to blow the surprise for this nice girl, Alysha, and her 30th birthday.
It’s a nice room, the Hotel Utah. It’s got an upright on stage and the room is very intimate. Some shows go perfect and that one did for me. I’m always apprehensive to play parties because they are parties and not shows but that was a wonderful show.
I played a 4-year-old’s birthday a long time ago and it sucked. It was my bosses’ kid and he and his wife were real nice but it sucks playing to tiny children running around. This was nothing like that.
I kept the songs to the fun ones since it was a happy time. I’m enjoying playing piano at shows now...

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some other shows

I played 2 shows Friday night. I accidentally had 2 booked. The first one was at the Balazo Gallery in San Francisco and the second one was down the street at the Odeon Bar.
The first one was booked by my friend, Clitty. That’s his name. He used to come to my Wednesday night weekly shows in Dallas that were usually bare of anyone. He’s a good guy.
It’s a nice place with a bad sound system. It worked good enough. I liked those people that came. I liked them alot. Clitty’s band played and rocked me hard. Their singer looked like a lady, like one of the Bangkok Ladyboys. His mike went out and he shouted in everyone’s ear, one at a time. They’re called Triple Cobra. You should see them.
I finally met Chicken John. He used to do circus stuff with the Bindlestiffs I think...

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Common Rotation-Bitter End

I played a show with my Common Rotation friends last Friday. They’re a swell bunch. The tops. It was at the Bitter End. I like the place but the actual room setup is hard for me. It’s got audiences on the sides as well as the front so you can’t look at everyone at once. They do have a grand piano and I took advantage of it. They played a great set and put the full band on. Some girl had a birthday and she and her friends gave me a plate of wonderfully small baked pastries. And when I got settled after my set, Mr. 102-TMBG-Shows(aka TDK, aka Mike) gave me a bag of Hershey Minatures. He’s a real good guy. They were soon gone but not because of me but because my girlfriend was helping me watch my Lose Weight Exercise. It’s good because I’ve been running again.
I’m working on a new Qu...

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Magic Brian Show

Magic Brian’s show went better than it did the last time. I did Dr. Wankle better and played very well on the old piano. I like Parkside alot. Andy and Karen, the folks that run it, are sweet sweet people. And every time I come in that place at anytime Pete, who runs sound and does other stuff, usually buys me a drink.
My friend, Mackin, showed up. He’s a stand-up fellow. He did his Bobby Brady at my cd-release. We hung out for a long time. I hadn’t seen him in forever.
I played my horse song again. I like that song. I’ve been working on it for a long time and finally “finished” it.
I like playing piano at shows alot. One time I played at my friend Wilder’s house. He has a baby grand in this old Dark Shadows house in Staten Island. Parlor shows are the old living room shows...

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