The Wren

A wren took a bath in a puddle next to a curb. It was a perfect puddle. The wren, Susan, came back to this puddle often. One day, a Danish fellow offered a design that did away with curbs on streets which, in theory, would allow safer traffic.
Finding her puddle gone due to reconstruction, Susan was very upset. She flopped in a phantom puddle, not unlike the birds who take dirt baths. She disillusioned herself into being clean and flew home to her nest and then to a wire perch where another bird named Joseph noticed her smell and dirty crest and took pity on her. This caused an incline in the evolution of wrens.
Epilogue: They had sex in the rain. And she made an egg that looked like this.

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That Ol’ Bear

This bear named Charles ate a carp and swallowed it whole like a snake will do a mouse. The bear became sheepish, seeing a hunter man and tried to explain his folly by growling lowly and tilting his head side to side as if to say,

“Its so bony and not as good as a salmon.”

The man didn’t understand and shot the bear in the shoulder.

The bear growled, “Ouch” and was shot again.

“Ouch”, he growled again.

It turns out that the hunter’s name was also Charles.

The only word a bear can say out loud besides “No” is the word “Oh.”  Charles the hunter couldn’t tell the difference because he didn’t give the bear any credibility to a vocabulary.

This misunderstanding quickly became overshadowed because  a vampire in a bear costume overtook Charles the hunter, sucked him dry, and thre...

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Bindlestiff Family Cirkus

Thursday, March 17
Reprising my old role as circus musician for one night.
Accompanying Kinko the clown, Mr. Pennygaff and his sword swallower, Philomena, the Fabulous Miss Una, Rob Lok and more!
Theater for the New City
155 First Avenue
(between 9th and 10th Streets)
New York, NY 10003
Telephone: (212) 254-1109
Fax: (212) 979-6570

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Circus By The Sea


308 BOWERY @ Houston and Bleeker
for tix online
w/ aerial acts, contortion, and rock n’ roll

pre show starts at 6:45 with Magic Brian or Tyler Fyre or another brilliant performer!

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Upcoming UK gigs

Thursday, April 21 and Friday, April 22
The Troubadour
263-7 Old Brompton Road
w/ Common Rotation
all ages

Saturday, April 23 2005
451- 453 Sauchiehall Street
(0141) 3534371
w/ Common Rotation

purchase tickets now

Sunday, April 24
The Cavern Club
10 Matthew St.
7:30 pm
w/ Common Rotation
purchase tickets now

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Don’t Naysay an Eagle

A piece of rock fell from a ledge that was perched above a bird’s nest. The nest belonged to an eagle who was barren and took it upon herself to sit on this rock as if it were her egg. Whenever she left the nest she kept a watchful eye for predators. One predator was a weasel who used his hind feet to hold onto a limb while reaching for the rock. He grabbed it quickly and as he pulled himself up he sniffed his prize and realized it had no life and quickly dropped it. The eagle returned to the nest to find the egg had moved on its own and a dash of hope inflated inside the heart of the eagle.

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Birds Forget

Two birds were chirping the hungry chirp but didn’t want to swoop down on prey and lose the choice position on the wire they were currently holding.
“Hey,” said one bird. “If you go get us a couple of worms, I’ll hold your place for you.”
“Okay,” chirped the other bird.
So, he swooped down and listened to ground for movement, dove into the dirt and plucked out a small yet meaty worm. He did this a second time and soon looked as if he were holding an extra long worm instead of two worms. He had a passing thought of becoming a magician or an illusionist even and then began his flight back to what was the best wire perch. Unfortunately, there were many birds sitting on the wire and he couldn’t find his friend because all birds look alike.
Remember your buddy.

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A johnny was walking home after a night at the bar and saw two horses kissing. One of the horses stopped and noticed the fellow staring at him and his date.
The johnny said, “Hey don’t mind me. I’m just enjoying nature.”
And the horse replied, “Enjoy it at home, buddy.”
And then the johnny said, “Well if you’ll excuse me, I’ll leave you two to horse around then. Excuse me.”
And the horse was offended and reported it to his immediate ranchhand who in turn documented the incident and filed it in a drawer called “Horse Talk Proof”.

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The Weather Lover

Joseph was a man at the bank who was manning his checkbook with notes scribed in the corner about the weather conditions at each transaction.
date: 9/25/28 check #128 to: Woolworth’s for: new socks for all winter debit: $2.00 72 degrees/cloudy
When the bank teller noticed this he said, “This is interesting.” And then looked some more and said, “But, you didn’t scribe the weather conditions on 7/5/28.”
And the man replied, “You’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who cares.”

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My Uncle Kicked Ass on the tv

My Uncle Nathan was one of many who discussed the best way to preserve the Declaration of Independence. It was like a monster garage show but a little more serious. Although there were some people that performed for the camera. That’s why I can’t watch reality shows. That fake arguing or elevated arguing for the camera is bothersome.
But my uncle stood his ground on the real argument. They all wanted an airtight casing and made a good design to do so. But, Nathan wanted to frame the sealed casing with pockets filled with silica gel to regulate the humidity. The others argued if it were airtight you wouldn’t need the gel. (This gel is what you find in packaging like a sugar packet.)
I’m no scientist. Not even an amateur...

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Tonight on Nova

Check out my Uncle Nathan on Nova tonight on PBS. It’s a show about preserving the Declaration of Independence. He built a box that distributes different gases that help preserve the document.

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work fan fiction

New York – Anti-Corn Mo demonstrators waving signs that said “Worst Copier Maintenance Job Ever” and “the Companies Nightmare” jeered the singer’s walk into work during the Feels-Like-Friday Thursday.
“It’s ‘company’s nightmare’,” Mo stated. “With an apostrophe ‘s’. And nobody ever died over a paper jam. At least under my watch.”
Three blocks from his work, protesters tried to rush a Gray’s Papaya as an egg and cheese on a bagel was burned on the bottom.
“They’re usually good here but I guess since it’s so cold, everyone wants an egg and cheese, so the probability of a burned one is high,” said Chup Chup Sinclair, 52, of New York.
Chup Chup Sinclair was at the rear of a group of protesters, but she said the experience was worth it despite the burnt smell.

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Upcoming Shows

Friday, January 27
Los Angeles
UCB Theater
Audio’s Amigos with Hard N’ Phirm
5919 Franklin Ave

Saturday, January 28
Purchase College

Thursday, February 9
Automatic Vaudeville
Ars Nova Theater
511 W 54th St.
cute mini set!

Burlesque-A-Pades Tour
The World Famous Pontani Sisters
Kitten de Ville

Trixie Little
The Hate Monkey
Corn Mo
Tyler Fyre
The Fisherman Xylophonic Orchestra

2/14 – The Birchmere, Alexandria,VA
2/15 – The Otto Bar, Baltimore MD
2/16 – The Bowery Ballroom, NYC
2/17 – TT The Bear’s, Boston, MA
2/18 – Asbury Lanes, Asbury Park, NJ
2/19 – World Cafe Live, Philadelphia, PA

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Baby Dee Is Excellent

I have a lot on my plate today. When I get home I can start finishing those things. One of the things I have to do is- no wait, two of the things are:
learn a Ben Ickies tune
learn a Baby Dee tune
Ben wrote a song for his orchestra but can’t be at his show and asked me to play it for him. That’s cool. I like his work.
And I have to learn a Baby Dee song for next week.
About three years ago I stayed at this lady’s house in Ohio. She let me have her bed and she slept elsewhere. Had I known she would be sleeping on the dining room floor I would have refused for she had to get up early to do her paper route. She, Una and I had stayed up that night in her kitchen drinking wine...

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Hula Hoops

I get emails for shows all the time. And I try to make them. And sometimes its cold outside and my stomach hurts from not cooking my food well enough. Or some other reason. That would be a reason not to go out.
But when someone calls me and invites me to a show it’s hard not to go. They took time to make sure I knew they had a show and asked me to please come. I can’t let a friend down.
I made lobster ravioli for dinner and I think I messed up the sauce because my stomach hurt really bad not too soon after I ate.
I was given a PS2 and it can suck your life. I can leave it alone and not want to play but I had a hankering for an RPG so I found Evil Dead: A Fistful of Boomstick.
The game itself is okay but the cool part is Bruce Campbell’s voice. I love that guy. http://www.kittenpants...

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My Band

Saturday night was one of the best saturday nights of saturday nights. Three bands at my house, friends, beer, new friends, good times all around.
My friend Jim brought his band, Deck of Jack, which was him and another guy named Fuzz. They were fantastic. I’d done a solo show with him at a BBQ a couple of years ago. But this one was a lot different.
Fun raps. Yo raps on the mike. Really fun.
And then the Live Ones. My roommate’s band with the drummer singing. Like the Carpenters set up but with KISS-like sermon banter and straight up rock. The guy, Mike, puked behind his drums because he played too hard. I love that. That’s a rock show. That’s the spirit. That’s the way it should be done.
And then we took the stage and we were sloppy but it was still fun...

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Rock Circus Practice

Like building a model rocket- you spend days making it and then take it to the park. It’s going to either be spectacular or a dog is going to bite it and chew on it and then bury it.

I started working with this girl, Irene, on the rock opera. It was weird having someone else sing a song I wrote. I had to let go and let her take the wheel and drive. Like building a model rocket- you spend days making it and then take it to the park. It’s going to either be spectacular or a dog is going to bite it and chew on it and then bury it. Well, it was spectacular. Irene took the torch and high-fived her coach at the finish line.
I’m gonna write another for her to sing.

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Damn Candy

Man, if anyone lives in NYC and wants to start a soccer team, let me know. Because fat soccer players either die or get thin. I have a Leeds shirt I can wear and that will inspire me to win.

Dammint. I just had a M-azing bar from the snack machine. I did really well yesterday by eating well but sucked today by getting a hot dog lunch and a poor candy chaser. I’m turning into a shit machine. And my gym just upped their rates. I hope nobody goes there so they’ll go back down on their price.
You know what sucks about a 65 cent candy bar? Is that the level of joy is lower than the level of reprisal. My desk faces the damn machine. I’ll prove it. From left to right:
sun chips(french onion)
dipsy doodles
chex mix
wheat thins
snyders pretzels
fantasy mix
welch’s fruit shits
some coo...

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a cougar can take a rabbit

The receptionist I work with is taking off next week to lay down some tracks. He raps. His name is BRock. You can pronounce it either way. I hope he goes far. He’s real nice.
He told me his producer told him to rhyme about escalades and shit he can’t afford. Now he’s told to rhyme about the ghetto.
He had a rhyming dictionary up on his computer.
“things that rhyme with -ain”
“Castles of Spain”
“woodworking plane”
I really hope he uses one of those two options that are really on this site.
I helped him a little and got him going. He got really excited. He told me what he was going to write about and I told him he was already writing it as I repeated it back to him. Write it down.
Oh, and fuck escalades...

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My Brother’s Kids

It’s not how many freethrows you make it’s how you got to the freethrow line.
And that you can make a freethrow. And Ben Stiller’s making some freethrows.

I thought that whenever I have a kid I’m going to let him or her watch television all the time. My reference point for success was Ben Stiller. He watched a lot of tv as a kid and if he hadn’t there would be no Heatvision and Jack. He is the Cable Guy. In a good, productive way.
I heard some radio guy in London dismissing him but you know what? It’s not how many freethrows you make it’s how you got to the freethrow line.
And that you can make a freethrow. And Ben Stiller’s making some freethrows.
Anyways, my brother has two kids and they love books. They get to watch videos every once in a while but that’s it...

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