Upcoming UK gigs

Thursday, April 21 and Friday, April 22
LONDON
The Troubadour
263-7 Old Brompton Road
w/ Common Rotation
all ages

Saturday, April 23 2005
GLASGOW
O’Neills
451- 453 Sauchiehall Street
(0141) 3534371
7:00pm
18+
w/ Common Rotation

purchase tickets now

Sunday, April 24
LIVERPOOL
The Cavern Club
10 Matthew St.
7:30 pm
w/ Common Rotation
purchase tickets now

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Don’t Naysay an Eagle

A piece of rock fell from a ledge that was perched above a bird’s nest. The nest belonged to an eagle who was barren and took it upon herself to sit on this rock as if it were her egg. Whenever she left the nest she kept a watchful eye for predators. One predator was a weasel who used his hind feet to hold onto a limb while reaching for the rock. He grabbed it quickly and as he pulled himself up he sniffed his prize and realized it had no life and quickly dropped it. The eagle returned to the nest to find the egg had moved on its own and a dash of hope inflated inside the heart of the eagle.

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Birds Forget

Two birds were chirping the hungry chirp but didn’t want to swoop down on prey and lose the choice position on the wire they were currently holding.
“Hey,” said one bird. “If you go get us a couple of worms, I’ll hold your place for you.”
“Okay,” chirped the other bird.
So, he swooped down and listened to ground for movement, dove into the dirt and plucked out a small yet meaty worm. He did this a second time and soon looked as if he were holding an extra long worm instead of two worms. He had a passing thought of becoming a magician or an illusionist even and then began his flight back to what was the best wire perch. Unfortunately, there were many birds sitting on the wire and he couldn’t find his friend because all birds look alike.
Remember your buddy.

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Horseassment

A johnny was walking home after a night at the bar and saw two horses kissing. One of the horses stopped and noticed the fellow staring at him and his date.
The johnny said, “Hey don’t mind me. I’m just enjoying nature.”
And the horse replied, “Enjoy it at home, buddy.”
And then the johnny said, “Well if you’ll excuse me, I’ll leave you two to horse around then. Excuse me.”
And the horse was offended and reported it to his immediate ranchhand who in turn documented the incident and filed it in a drawer called “Horse Talk Proof”.

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The Weather Lover

Joseph was a man at the bank who was manning his checkbook with notes scribed in the corner about the weather conditions at each transaction.
date: 9/25/28 check #128 to: Woolworth’s for: new socks for all winter debit: $2.00 72 degrees/cloudy
When the bank teller noticed this he said, “This is interesting.” And then looked some more and said, “But, you didn’t scribe the weather conditions on 7/5/28.”
And the man replied, “You’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who cares.”

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My Uncle Kicked Ass on the tv

http://www.pbs.org/previews/nova_saving_natltreasures/

My Uncle Nathan was one of many who discussed the best way to preserve the Declaration of Independence. It was like a monster garage show but a little more serious. Although there were some people that performed for the camera. That’s why I can’t watch reality shows. That fake arguing or elevated arguing for the camera is bothersome.
But my uncle stood his ground on the real argument. They all wanted an airtight casing and made a good design to do so. But, Nathan wanted to frame the sealed casing with pockets filled with silica gel to regulate the humidity. The others argued if it were airtight you wouldn’t need the gel. (This gel is what you find in packaging like a sugar packet.)
I’m no scientist. Not even an amateur...

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Tonight on Nova

Check out my Uncle Nathan on Nova tonight on PBS. It’s a show about preserving the Declaration of Independence. He built a box that distributes different gases that help preserve the document.

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work fan fiction

New York – Anti-Corn Mo demonstrators waving signs that said “Worst Copier Maintenance Job Ever” and “the Companies Nightmare” jeered the singer’s walk into work during the Feels-Like-Friday Thursday.
“It’s ‘company’s nightmare’,” Mo stated. “With an apostrophe ‘s’. And nobody ever died over a paper jam. At least under my watch.”
Three blocks from his work, protesters tried to rush a Gray’s Papaya as an egg and cheese on a bagel was burned on the bottom.
“They’re usually good here but I guess since it’s so cold, everyone wants an egg and cheese, so the probability of a burned one is high,” said Chup Chup Sinclair, 52, of New York.
Chup Chup Sinclair was at the rear of a group of protesters, but she said the experience was worth it despite the burnt smell.
Sincla...

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Upcoming Shows

Friday, January 27
Los Angeles
UCB Theater
Audio’s Amigos with Hard N’ Phirm
5919 Franklin Ave
11pm
$8

Saturday, January 28
Purchase College

Thursday, February 9
NYC
Automatic Vaudeville
Ars Nova Theater
511 W 54th St.
cute mini set!

Burlesque-A-Pades Tour
featuring:
The World Famous Pontani Sisters
Kitten de Ville

Trixie Little
The Hate Monkey
Corn Mo
Tyler Fyre
The Fisherman Xylophonic Orchestra

2/14 – The Birchmere, Alexandria,VA
2/15 – The Otto Bar, Baltimore MD
2/16 – The Bowery Ballroom, NYC
2/17 – TT The Bear’s, Boston, MA
2/18 – Asbury Lanes, Asbury Park, NJ
2/19 – World Cafe Live, Philadelphia, PA

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Baby Dee Is Excellent

I have a lot on my plate today. When I get home I can start finishing those things. One of the things I have to do is- no wait, two of the things are:
learn a Ben Ickies tune
learn a Baby Dee tune
Ben wrote a song for his orchestra but can’t be at his show and asked me to play it for him. That’s cool. I like his work.
And I have to learn a Baby Dee song for next week.
About three years ago I stayed at this lady’s house in Ohio. She let me have her bed and she slept elsewhere. Had I known she would be sleeping on the dining room floor I would have refused for she had to get up early to do her paper route. She, Una and I had stayed up that night in her kitchen drinking wine...

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Hula Hoops

I get emails for shows all the time. And I try to make them. And sometimes its cold outside and my stomach hurts from not cooking my food well enough. Or some other reason. That would be a reason not to go out.
But when someone calls me and invites me to a show it’s hard not to go. They took time to make sure I knew they had a show and asked me to please come. I can’t let a friend down.
I made lobster ravioli for dinner and I think I messed up the sauce because my stomach hurt really bad not too soon after I ate.
I was given a PS2 and it can suck your life. I can leave it alone and not want to play but I had a hankering for an RPG so I found Evil Dead: A Fistful of Boomstick.
The game itself is okay but the cool part is Bruce Campbell’s voice. I love that guy. http://www.kittenpants...

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My Band

Saturday night was one of the best saturday nights of saturday nights. Three bands at my house, friends, beer, new friends, good times all around.
My friend Jim brought his band, Deck of Jack, which was him and another guy named Fuzz. They were fantastic. I’d done a solo show with him at a BBQ a couple of years ago. But this one was a lot different.
Fun raps. Yo raps on the mike. Really fun.
And then the Live Ones. My roommate’s band with the drummer singing. Like the Carpenters set up but with KISS-like sermon banter and straight up rock. The guy, Mike, puked behind his drums because he played too hard. I love that. That’s a rock show. That’s the spirit. That’s the way it should be done.
And then we took the stage and we were sloppy but it was still fun...

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Rock Circus Practice

Like building a model rocket- you spend days making it and then take it to the park. It’s going to either be spectacular or a dog is going to bite it and chew on it and then bury it.

I started working with this girl, Irene, on the rock opera. It was weird having someone else sing a song I wrote. I had to let go and let her take the wheel and drive. Like building a model rocket- you spend days making it and then take it to the park. It’s going to either be spectacular or a dog is going to bite it and chew on it and then bury it. Well, it was spectacular. Irene took the torch and high-fived her coach at the finish line.
I’m gonna write another for her to sing.

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Damn Candy

Man, if anyone lives in NYC and wants to start a soccer team, let me know. Because fat soccer players either die or get thin. I have a Leeds shirt I can wear and that will inspire me to win.

Dammint. I just had a M-azing bar from the snack machine. I did really well yesterday by eating well but sucked today by getting a hot dog lunch and a poor candy chaser. I’m turning into a shit machine. And my gym just upped their rates. I hope nobody goes there so they’ll go back down on their price.
You know what sucks about a 65 cent candy bar? Is that the level of joy is lower than the level of reprisal. My desk faces the damn machine. I’ll prove it. From left to right:
sun chips(french onion)
dipsy doodles
chex mix
wheat thins
snyders pretzels
fantasy mix
lays
cheezits
welch’s fruit shits
some coo...

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a cougar can take a rabbit

The receptionist I work with is taking off next week to lay down some tracks. He raps. His name is BRock. You can pronounce it either way. I hope he goes far. He’s real nice.
He told me his producer told him to rhyme about escalades and shit he can’t afford. Now he’s told to rhyme about the ghetto.
He had a rhyming dictionary up on his computer.
“things that rhyme with -ain”
“Castles of Spain”
“woodworking plane”
I really hope he uses one of those two options that are really on this site.
I helped him a little and got him going. He got really excited. He told me what he was going to write about and I told him he was already writing it as I repeated it back to him. Write it down.
Oh, and fuck escalades...

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My Brother’s Kids

It’s not how many freethrows you make it’s how you got to the freethrow line.
And that you can make a freethrow. And Ben Stiller’s making some freethrows.

I thought that whenever I have a kid I’m going to let him or her watch television all the time. My reference point for success was Ben Stiller. He watched a lot of tv as a kid and if he hadn’t there would be no Heatvision and Jack. He is the Cable Guy. In a good, productive way.
I heard some radio guy in London dismissing him but you know what? It’s not how many freethrows you make it’s how you got to the freethrow line.
And that you can make a freethrow. And Ben Stiller’s making some freethrows.
Anyways, my brother has two kids and they love books. They get to watch videos every once in a while but that’s it...

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MTR

Me and Louis and Bobbi went to the Museum of Television and Radio yesterday. We were researching for a Polyphonic tv show. So, I went to IMDB and looked up a bunch of tv shows that I’d remembered and some I didn’t and looked up important guest stars on those shows (Tiny Tim, Kiss, Paul Williams) to get the right episodes:
When Things were Rotten episode #1.3
The Cop and the Kid episode #1
Monster Squad (1976)episode #1
Tony Orlando and Dawn episode #3.1
The Paul Lynde Halloween Special (1976)
Love American Style episode #2.18c
Make Your Own Kind of Music 1971
Johnny Cash and Friends 1976
The Bay City Rollers Show 1978
Of these they had the Paul Lynde show and Johnny Cash and Friends.

I also had this list:
Brady Bunch Variety Hour
Harlem Globetrotters Cartoon
Laffalympics
Lidsville
HR Puffi...

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Historical Fan Fiction Footnote

I thought about this guy today that I’d met a while back who has since passed away. His name was Terry and he built this tape recorder that recorded at different speeds.

http://www.cnn.com/2004/TECH/science/12/23/gen.us.clonedcat.ap/index.html

I said that this lady was probably from Plano but I wish and hope that she’s from Denton. My friend pointed out that Denton doesn’t have that kind of money. I never had money in Denton but I know there were people who did because I
a)delivered pizza to them
b)almost built a brick house for 2 cats that would have access to the main house.
I shit you not.
I thought about this guy today that I’d met a while back who has since passed away. His name was Terry and he built this tape recorder that recorded at different speeds...

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Historical Fiction

Well, I have $45,000 in my purse. Oh, wait that’s chocolate. You want some silver bells, Caspar?

http://www.cnn.com/2004/TECH/science/12/23/gen.us.clonedcat.ap/index.html

This lady didn’t want her town named but everyone knows she lives in Plano. Everything that happens happens in Plano. It could have been Garland, the town that King of the Hill is based on, but there’s not enough new money in Garland. It could have been Las Colinas, the home of Office Space, but those young urban professionals are spending money on big time dinners at Macaroni Grill because it’s good dinner.
So, I’m putting my money on Plano. So if she is from Plano then I want my $100 reward that I will use to go eat at Kathy’s Wok in Plano. That’s some good Chinese.
Now here’s my play with the names changed.
DANA: I tho...

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My Christmas

I had a good Christmas. I still have my parents and a grandmother so I’m grateful.
My flight got into Nashville fine but I-24 was closed. So, I was stuck in Nashville. The good thing was that my friend, Janet, was in Nashville staying at her mom’s. So, I had a ride and a place to stay.
Her mom is really, really nice. I think she was a beauty queen at one time. When she picked me up she asked if I was hungry.
“Yeah”
“Do you eat meat?”
“Yeah”
She asked this because Janet doesn’t eat any meat except fish. And by the way, this makes you a fisheater not a vegetarian. I dated a vegetarian whose dad got really excited when he found out I ate meat. Such joy is found in a meat-eating buddy.
“I guess we can just stop at a fast-food place and I can pick something up.”
And then she started dialing the...

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