Category Stories

The Blank Mural on Paducah’s Flood Wall

One time, the Kentucky government decided to encourage its cities to give lumps of coal, gift-wrapped in tobacco leaves, to designated sister cities of other countries. Sister cities were a big thing in the past. For example, Paducah sistered with a German town, Niederdorfelden, and would trade recipes, local art, and calligraphed goodwill documents, and the like.
The tobacco-wrapped coal program lasted for 2 years: 1902-1904. The abrupt ending of the “new tradition” was due to the fact that the people of Niederdorfelden took great offense at the coal.  The previous year, St. Nik had given coal to the bad children at Christmas time. In fact, a sizable lot of children had received coal. Subsequently, Paducah received a bag of manure encased in a giant orange made of marzipan.
The confu...

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A Cradle Kid

Sonny has two things going for him. The first is his brilliant way of knowing what kind of dinner to order. Mine is always bad. And I sometimes order from the same places he does. He just seems to know which place is going to be good on the right day. Once, I got mashed potatoes from this place that Sonny always orders from and they were runny and box-tasting and had begun to swiss cheese on the sides. He got General Tso’s chicken from a place that usually gives me a headache. I swear they use MSG. But he said it was the best he’d had in a long time and I believed him. The other thing he has going for him is a cradle big enough to fit him and a lady.

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The Suppertime of Jules Verne’s 178th Birthday

Diary Entry: February 9 (as dictated to the secretary, Charles, who writes very slowly)
14 knocks on my door.  I counted each one.  Some were in cadences familiar to everyone.  Five of those and then nine in a steady manner.  I waited for the fifteenth one but it never came.  When I got to the door and peeped through the hole, I saw a delivery guy holding a bag.  It was my dinner. So, I opened the door and the guy held the bag up.  It didn’t say Spice on the bag as it usually does.  The guy moved his other hand from his waist to behind the bag.  A moment to gasp and then he shot at me through the bag.  If it weren’t for my copy of The Green Gable Show I would have passed away immediately, barely missing my 178th birthday dinner...

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Two Dudes Helping Out

Fortune Dave confessed to making placating concessions to his doorman, Undisclosed Steve. Steve eats salads that Dave makes at home and in return Steve acknowledges that Dave has a place to live. Code Red Days are the days that Steve requests a Dagwood salad. Those days, Steve will stand by the door for the duration of the meal. The rest of the day is spent at Steve’s own place where he plays Worlds of Warcraft, all day, sometimes explaining to other warriors at the bar what a Dagwood is. Once, when all the warlocks were listening at a nearby table, they looked up from their ales at Fortune Dave, who then made his confession.

Then, there was Vampire Pokey, who was teeming with dead blood...

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Notes From a Scuffle with Foreshadowed Macular Degeneration


The shiner that David got was comparable to the shiner that Sean got that was comparable to the raccoon with nothing going for it except for Monday’s trash.  David bought a pair of sunglasses for $5 and wore them all day.  At night he felt foolish wearing them yet, he had no choice.  Only the day before had he pulled a chain out of his truck to “whoop up on” Steve, who had pulled out a small club from his truck to “give David what for”.  David’s chain got caught on Steve’s club and echoes from Lord of the Rings made the fight somewhat of a comfort to Sean. Steve punched David, giving him a shiner, and David sort of just sat down, holding his eye.
Steve said, “I gave you what for.  Now you go home.”
And David said, “Man, you punched me in the eye.”
And Steve said...

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The Relevancy of Time to the Time Clock at Work

Two guys walk into a showroom.  One guy has construction helmet on, the other guy has a headpiece on just like Batman’s.  The helmeted fellow is eating a twinkie and the batman has a 99c bag of Doritos.  The showroom is full of office furniture and they both want a desk. The helmeted guy takes a rubber mallet and starts hammering on one desk.  The batman guy takes a ball peen hammer and starts hammering on the other.  After 20 seconds of doing so, a salesman walks briskly towards the helmeted guy and says “Stop. Please, sir.  Stop.”  He walks to the batman and says the same exact thing.  The two guys look at each other and continue banging.  The salesman walks back into the office and comes out with two other salesman who start yelling at the two bangers to stop...

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Not Stormy Enough

When the plot to overthrow the makings of a giant windstorm plan failed, Mitchell found a loophole that involved going back to the storeroom and getting the copperwire set aside for making penny yarn and weaving it in and out of the sheet metal thunder clapper.  When the art director saw him and began his mother hen line of questioning, Mitchell replied that it was a union thing.  Not being in the union, Mitchell knew that this would:  a) uphold his denial of sabotage, b) allow him to give the union more overtime in taking the copper wire out at a later date and c) a thank you beer for the overtime.

On Sunday, the Senate gave audience to the presentation of the Windstorm Finale, designed to be a “Who? Not Us” weapon which was still in the planning stages...

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John Titor Fan Fiction: The Accidental Nap

John Titor’s machine was gravity based and would allow him to travel back to the time he needed to go.  However, one day while “rewinding” (he was trying to watch someone type in a password into the IBM he was about to obtain 10 minutes into the future) a black hole shot an anti- ray right onto his machine (like a reverse disco ball) thus disabling the Gravity Sensor Unit and throwing him sideways onto another timestrip that was a phantom strip but one that kept going, like a fart that never leaves.

Anyhoo, he found himself in the year 1999 and was giggling over the y2k hype, not knowing he was on a phantom timestrip.  “The sky will be falling from now on,” he thought and went to an internet café and tried to log onto his email account but kept failing. 

Finally, he went to ...

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Dallas Fan Fiction: Working on My Belfast Accent at a Pub on Greenville Avenue at a Bring In The Weekend Party

This guy named Cliff? used to work at Taffy’s on Good Latimer? but then gave up on yelling every time he started the pulling machine? so he got fired? But then by mistake? he loaded the machine backwards? and it started brushing against the newspaper stand? so that it took the print off like a piece of silly putty would? but then would stay on? and somehow the print wouldn’t stretch? and so the pieces of taffy afterward had printing on them? and his boss started calling him Gutenberg? but with a Trenton, NJ accent? even though he was already fired? and he worked there for another year? even though he wasn’t supposed to? and then he moved to Waxahachie? but he couldn’t drive to work? so he got a job selling cookies at the Scarborough Fair?  and he liked that better?

 

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The Man in the Vellum Pants

These guys were doing chores on a farm and the one guy had plastic pants to keep his other pants from getting dirty.  The devil himself would see him and would shake his head saying, “At least I’m not that guy.”  He wasn’t THE devil but a rockabilly guy who had a devil on his lighter.  But the plastic panter was good at making piles.  Really good at it.  He numbered his piles and marked each one as if it were a garden of piles.  He even kept a log of the piles with a vellum paper map attachment.  The maps were transparent enough to see the history of the pile placement.  Luckily, the owner of the farm enjoyed seeing such documentation and contacted a publisher of almanacs about his employee.  The publisher laughed and hung up...

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Subway Fan Fiction

"I saw Blank Check last night."

"Yeah?"

"It was okay.  Not what I thought."

"What you think it was?"

"I dunno.  Just a different kind of movie than I thought.  It’s over 10 years old now, that movie."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah.  Time flies.  I’m gonna get an egg and cheese."

"Yeah."

"The kid from Family Ties was in it."

"Oh yeah?"

"He’s got some years on him now I guess."

"The kid from the movie?"

"Yeah.  You’re hungry, too right?"

They got off at Union Square.  The End.  Two others get on.

"He’s got the shits.  He is the shits."

"You see the new Star Wars?  I got it on dvd.  Joey has it."

"That guy’s gonna get it.  He’s the shits."

"Joey?"

"No, but I wanna see that new Star Wars."

They get off at 6th Ave.  The End.  I get off, too.  And then some addled fellow stopped a pretty girl.

"Excuse me doe...

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Dan Castle

I met this fellow who built rocks out of sand with rubber and glue.  He took a rock and made a mold from it.  Then, he would go to his mixing bowl using sand, glue, and sometimes an egg to make a sort of dough, inserting it into the mold.  Then, he would squirt an epoxy that he called, "The Going Backwards", and it would harden.

When he had enough rocks he built a castle.  Well, he called it a castle but it was more like a house.  With two turrets divided by a porcelein minaret and a slide for the back stairs it was definitely an odd house.   There was one room blocked that was not unlike a caved-in mineshaft.  He told me that pile was a door.  I tried to open it, thinking it was one piece made to look like a pile of rocks but I was wrong.  It took a good 45 minutes to open that "door". 

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How to Be Better Than You Already Are

A fine piece of literature was beholden at this dime store that had become a dollar store.  It was a book on how to mold yourself into a better person so I thumbed through it for a grain of salt.  The cashier saw me looking at the book, walked over, and grabbed it out of my hands.  She thumbed through it like it was cash.

"Dammit."

"Huh?"

"I put a note in here from my tommorrow boyfriend so that my backup boyfriend wouldn’t see it and now it’s gone."

"What’s a tommor-"

"Nevermind.  Dammit.  FFFFFF-Why can’t people leave shit alone?"

And then she ran down the aisle of office supplies and thumbed through all the coloring books that were only a dollar.  She was creating quite a pile while her register was building a good line of people.

One customer finally said, "Hellooo?"

"Hold on!  dammit...

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Dummy wins a comb over

Tommy had two gigs yesterday.  One was at a daycare and the other was at an assisted living complex.  The first one went fine.  The toddlers usually scream with joy or fright when the dummy, Mark, begins talking.  He did his usual knock-knocks because kids love the knock-knocks and then did a skit with the dummy on one knee and a five-month-old on the other.  The four-year-olds love this because they aren’t babies any longer.

"Knock knock" (The infant starts the joke)

"Who’s there?" (dummy is good at looking at the kids)

"Lucifer." (Daycare teacher looks around uncomfortably)

"Lucifer who?"

"Lucifered different, we get a neeewww video to watch after cookies."

"Hurrah for the video and hurrah for the cookies!"

This is how he sold his video.

He took his fifty dollars plus his video money an...

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The Winking Wilzner

"Fridays are my diving boards and Sundays are my towels."

"That’s wonderful.  Where are the teabags?"

"On the subject of my weekend, I will be rushing headlong into a journey of painting my bedroom to a color that matches the sepia-colored photos that I bought in college."

"I guess sepia was in then."

"Huh?"

"Where are the teabags?"

"Under the sink, next to the bag of brillos."

"They’re not there."

"Well, then.  I have a sepia print of my favorite actor, Dilly Shan-"

Jeffrey went on a journey himself.  He lied down on the carpet next to the mini fridge and took a much needed nap.  He wasn’t tired.  He just needed to escape the depression created by his officemates who appeared slightly higher than himself and this was his only weapon...

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Supper Wind

When I’m a walkin’ I smell it
When I’m a talkin’ I don’t
but when I’m walkin’ I smell the cookin’s done
When I feel it gone a toucha my mouth
Like a smick smack I can’t go out
cause supper wind is blowing me back home.

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Go Dog Go!

Yesterday, I put it out there.  I threw it to him gently.

“Just go slow.”

He swang his head back and forth like saying “no” and then dove his head to the paper.  It wasn’t dinnertime.  It was reading time and he tried so hard.  Dr. Frankenstein probably cried a little trying to get his monster to talk and I was tearing up watching my dog struggle to read.

He lifted his head like he was going to throw up. Baring his fangs, he hacked up, “I can’t”.

 

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My Showdowns Diamond Paper

There was this guy named Diamond who wore a pair of pants that had spurs pointing inward at the side belt loops.  When it was time to hustle he’d pat his hips and run from the pain.

spurs.jpg
Spurs

When he raced the legend, Carl Johnson, for pinks (in running that’s shoes) he prodded himself and beat the olympic runner in street racing, on a course that included a fake market made of balsa wood and sugar.  When the runner bumps into a market stand, the sugar fruit creates a kind of oil slick for the opponent and the cardboard vendors’ "upset trigger" is released, making their cardboard arms fly up and down in a shaking motion via pendulum action.

A passerby gave Diamond a new name, Leggs Diamond, and was promptly sued...

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Trey’s Bum Leg

Trey loved the wet field. He walked with his pant legs rolled up. The bugs would jump from drinking dew, parting the way for Trey. One time, Trey’s leg slipped into a hole, making him thrust forward, losing control of his balance, breaking his leg. He knew it was broken because he heard the snap.
What he didn’t know was that his brother Billy was behind him the whole time.
“Boo!”
“Huh? Oh, thank goodness, Billy. I don’t know why you’re here but I’m so glad for this moment. Please go run for help. I can’t walk.”
“Sure, thing, Trey. Hey, can you write this paper about The Pony Express for me since you’re all invalid for the moment?”
“Anything, brother. Now run. Run like tomorrow is too late from yesterday!”
“Wha? Okay.”
And Trey sat and thought about some things he needed to chang...

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Damn My Half Ass Procedures For an Invention I Cannot Disclose Yet

A fool am I! I put down a 2 instead of a 4 and now I can’t finish what I started! In the vein of a sloppy Tesla, I was in the middle of showing off something brown and something fun. It’s not a diamond maker but its close! Oh fie on me!
You know how many filibusters I went through to get this one order in? It would be a filibuster to go through the first day’s list! Oh poop my eyes!
I was going to have the most wonderful unveiling meeting in conference room 10 at the Hyatt on the Riverwalk.
Stupendous mismash!
When I finally get the gumption to restart yesterday’s restarting point I will remember my mistakes and show you the most magnificent work since I don’t know what -Synthetic Tiger’s Milk? Dammit!

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