My Showdowns Diamond Paper

There was this guy named Diamond who wore a pair of pants that had spurs pointing inward at the side belt loops.  When it was time to hustle he’d pat his hips and run from the pain.


When he raced the legend, Carl Johnson, for pinks (in running that’s shoes) he prodded himself and beat the olympic runner in street racing, on a course that included a fake market made of balsa wood and sugar.  When the runner bumps into a market stand, the sugar fruit creates a kind of oil slick for the opponent and the cardboard vendors’ "upset trigger" is released, making their cardboard arms fly up and down in a shaking motion via pendulum action.

A passerby gave Diamond a new name, Leggs Diamond, and was promptly sued. But a sometime girlfriend decided he should be called Diamond Showdowns in reference to his pre-run side patting of the spurs.

Diamond never made it to the pros because he "didn’t want that kind of glory."  These times, he races unbroken ponies on Assateague Island and no one ever sees it happen because there are no fake markets to knock down in the moonlight.

Pony promotional picture

He also fullback fishes.  That’s catching a fish midair on the surf in the fashion of a touchdown.  Sometimes you can catch him cooking his catch on an open fire while the ponies eat carrots and saltlicks with forks attached to their bridles.

Rudolf Schenker displaying funny use of bridle forks.  Ponies laugh.

In any event, you have to be cool to be around Showdowns Diamond.  Otherwise, you have to leave.