Monthly Archives July 2005

Wereblood Stinks

I smelled the blood of a werewolf once and it was stinky. Like pent-up dinner from long ago let loose from its tupperware container. That’s what wereblood smells like. So, I bottled it up and got it to where I can spray it where ever there are too many farters.

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Bus Adventure

I went to visit my girlfriend in Atlantic City the other day. She does the motorcycle/trapeze act at the Steel Pier. Here’s the part about my awesome bus ride.
Getting there:
I take the Academy bus from Port Authority. It’s $29 round trip but depending on what casino you get dropped at, you get at least $17 back. (Get dropped off at the Tropicana or Showboat. You get cash and not a gamble card , with all your info given away.) I gambled $5 on video poker. I won 3.50 and then lost it all. That’s the way it goes. I don’t have gamble magic. Tim Delaughter does. He wins all the time. But, I’m cool losing a five.
Anyway, my bus stops at the Cheesequake rest area for a second pickup. There’s not enough room for everyone...

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To All My Friends!

Go see my friends in:
Jollyship the Whiz-Bang Episode 6:
“CRABQUISTADOR: Scavenger of God”
June 28th
10 pm
Bowery Poetry Club
308 Bowery
Its puppets and pirates and rock and good writing. A definite must see. I will be there.

And then go see,
Ben Ickies’ Failure
followed by his Ambitious Orchestra!
Saturday, July 30th
9 pm – $8
Galapagos Art Space
90 N. 6th Street, between Kent & Wythe
L to Bedford

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Cookie’s Trow

Tha cappain’s visit were delitefool. He ate all I make and thain ask for more. The porter ask for some but I say No Sir. All food go to da cappain! Whence did I could eva. Make a timely dinna. Whence! Could I make a cum uppance on putting victuals on a fayr! Fourteen yeas a rowin’ inside a pot I tale ya. I unce pummeled a live ‘pus on the pup deck wit an oar and sliced ‘er tensticals off with a scabard and made a seaghetti outta her. Most delicious! Aye, but da cappain is a stubbon mouth and only want what made outta flour and ale. I make a nigh bread and cake but I winked inside a clam whats made a ocean grand. Aye, aye Cappain!

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The Diary of Camus’ Unka Dan

Damn Pullman Strike! I guess that’s what they’re calling it. I just wanted a damn Twizzler and the store’s on fire. So, I’ll just sit on the stoop and write and complain. There goes Harry, throwin’ molotov cocktails at the coppers.
“Hey, Harry, where’s Billy?”
“I don’t know, man, but-hold on I gotta throw this before it-”
I don’t know why I gotta bother people when they do stuff. That how shit gets all messed up. I guess I can go into the store, it being on fire and all.
“Hey Charlie, you got any Twizzlers?”
“Get off your ass and go burn something. Aren’t you sick of being shit on?”
I’m just gonna keep writing. I’m gonna move, Diary, because its hot and i gotta go lay down.

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Va Va Variety

Tuesday, July 26, 9pm
Va Va Variety
Corn Mo and a host of other performers
Triad Theater
158 West 72nd St., 2nd Fl.
New York, NY 10023
Tickets: 212-352-3101

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The coolest thing about driving into Detroit wasn’t the burning Ford Explorer across from The Majestic. It was the air conditioner in my dressing room that served as an oasis to the extreme heat that the Majesticians love at their venue. It was really hot. So hot you could fry an egg mid-air due to the constant rising of heat which could also give a good jolt to a Frontier jet, the one that rivaled hydralic cars so well that they turned around and went back to the airport. (“We don’t know why we just have to go back.” Later, found it was a maintenance problem. Hi Ho.) Magically, the heat didn’t deplete the energy of the audience. They had a good time. And I didn’t need to take off my wonderful sparklejacket, Sparklecoats.
Thank goodness the venue didn’t read my rider...

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Boulder 2

I got 2 nosebleeds today. The first one just started flowing and wouldn’t stop. Nosebleeds are beautiful nuisances. Just like my friend’s pomeranian who pisses in my hallway every time she brings him over. Then, I got one in the shower. Blood going all over the tub floor. I felt like Carrie. Except no one was around to laugh at me.
Everyone supposedly gets nosebleeds when they come to Boulder.
The show was very intimate. Some guy offered me some shoes. My shoes are getting worn. I may take him up on his shoes. I bet Boulderians are apprehensive about buying white shoes because everyone would have obvious blood on their shoes as opposed to the silent blood shoes of a brown-shoed diabetic. My uncle has awesome diabetic shoes. Clowns in Ringling get fitted for their clown shoes...

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Tour with They Might Be Giants!

July 9-10
Boulder, CO
Fox Theater

July 12
St. Louis, MO
The Pageant

July 13
Indianapolis, IN
Music Mill

July 14
Detroit, MI
Majestic Theatre

July 15
Cleveland, OH

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The Music Mill is part of a shopping strip off 82nd St in Indianapolis. Its very nice to be able to go to Barnes and Noble to kill time and best of all I went to Office Max to get some cd’s to burn for I ran out of my other ones. I began my factory work at the bar of the extremely clean venue. Goodness is that place clean.
It’s so new that the ghosts are confused. “Hey where do I go? Where was the Burger Chef I was eating at before I said, “I don’t feel good.”
One of the bouncers was telling me about some fights he had to break up at a show there recently.
“Who is this band playing?”
“They Might Be Giants.”
“Rough crowd?”
“You’ll be throwing out at least 50 hooligans that love to fight when ‘Dr. Worm’ starts playing?”
“Moshing too?”
“Yeah, they go shithouse violent when Robot Parade s...

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St. Louis

Last night was awesome. It was the best Giants show I’d ever seen. I’m no TDK (dude with over 101 shows and counting) but I’ve seen a lot of Giants shows and this one was magic.
I had a good time playing. A real good time. My old roommate, Matt, helped me out with my merch table. I did a cd with him called MC Duncan’s Dog and Pony Show. He’s a good songwriter. It was good hanging out with him and his dad. His dad use to be a band director in town. He’s got some good stories about the inner workings of St. Louis. Good folks!
Again, the Giants put on one of the best shows I’ve ever seen them do. Holy wow was it good. And I met some cool people and some nice people and some pretty people and I left feeling on top of the world.
And Hocus Pocus rocked again!
I can’t remember this on...

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Clown Car’s Out of Control This Time

A bullet was stopped by a man with a plate of gravy. white gravy. He was on his way to table where chicken fried steak was being served. The gravy was from home. He made his own gravy. With flour, salt, water, pepper, and some grease. He had covered the plate with cellophane to keep dippers out and freshness in. A man named Poison Ivy Sally pulled out a civil war instrument called a musket and shot the man, delivering a bullet through the cellophane and into the gravy, splattering the onlooking Shriners. Templar Steven pulled out a gun and rattled off “Android” to the man with the gravy, thinking he had the white blood. As he shot his 22 pistol he had a second thought and then noticed red blood flowing out of the man’s arm, like a tattoo pop-up.
“Sorry about the bullet, Justin...

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Getting Ready For TMBG

I’m getting ready for my tour. I’m stressing a bit. I’ve never taken a piano on the plane before. I know they’re gonna overcharge me for bringing it. But that’s the way it goes. I added a few dollars to fly Jet Blue straight on. I don’t want to chance losing anything due to changing planes. And I’ve had good luck with Jet Blue so far. There’s some airlines I avoid. Truly avoid.
Northwest is good at being mean. I mean really good at it. So good I would say they are masters at being mean. And the lady who called me to apologize about the ordeal was mean, too. Kudos!
Air Tran was good at being mean to cover up their mistake and then being nice to keep their mistake covered up.
Continental is good at copying the customer service of the post office.
One time I was flying with Conti...

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Jet Blue was real good to me. They didn’t charge me for oversize bags (ie my piano). Continental did. They even called me from the gate to come back to the ticket counter to pay for it: $75. I hope they put that money to good use.
My friend, Eric, picked me up at the Denver Airport took me to the great town of Boulder.
It was good seeing everyone again. The Giants are really good guys.

And tonight we debuted “Hocus Pocus” by Focus! That song is awesome. They brought me out on their 2nd encore and we rocked the shit out of that song. wait, they did and I ran out of breath due to the rocky mountain levels and couldn’t yodel the second time through but squeezed in some “Stayin’ Alive”. That’s a good song, too. The Bee Gees wrote good songs.
Oh, and some guy named Dave is bringing m...

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Trying out a new Mp3 thing.

Listen to “Lollipop” by Corn Mo


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Bad Day

If you’re having a bad day, call this number. It may help or hurt more. I like this lady’s voice: 510-351-7654

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