Monthly Archives June 2005

Jesse’s Girl

I got this witch to come over. She had some kind of lizard’s breath sealed in a jar. I called bullshit on her because you can’t seal breath.
So, she farted and said, “You smell that?”
“Yes.”
“Hold on.”
So, she grabbed a mason jar out of my cabinet and went to the bathroom where I heard her fart again but this time it sounded muffled. She came out and showed me a sealed jar.
“Here.”
“What.”
“Open it and smell.”
“Okay.” And I did. And it smelled like a fart.
“It smells like my fart, right? Cause I just farted in front of you earlier and it smells the same, right?”
“Yes it does but it doesn’t answer how you got a lizard to breathe in a jar.”
And then, she levitated and slid on her toe tips to my bedroom and came back out and said,
“You want to see wha...

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The Blood House

Once I went to this haunted house and it was nothing but blood. Blood, blood, blood. Blood this, blood that. All just blood. No characters like ghosts or zombies or vampires or anything of that sort. Just blood. That’s it.
Huh.

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Field Monitor

Two field monitors waited for someone to pass by. There were many cicadas about making their wondrous noises blending in and out of the bursts of wind. One fellow who popped out of the wood about 300 yards in the distance made his way to where the monitors stood. As he got closer they noticed he had jerking limp, almost as if a puppeteer had something to do with the way he walked.
“Hello, stranger, have you got a pass?”
“No, I don’t think I want to come this-a-way. I think I should be going that-a-way.”
And his leg jerked out.
“Oh dear,” said a monitor.
“Look at my foot!”
And as sure as there is a good time to be had somewhere else, this fellow had a fishing lure stuck to his shoe and was being reeled in.
“I was a little sheepish at first. But anyhoo.”
And he limped on past the monit...

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June, 2004

JUNE, 2004
TMBG TOUR!
I received this email a few days ago:

the second week of July we are going cross the US and then we got a couple of
shows on the weekend after. You want to open ?

– Mr. John Flansburgh

So, I’m taking that offer and will see many good times ahead.

Speaking of the Giants, you can download Particle Man featuring the Linnell/Corn Mo duet.

Dallas Genius, David Hanson, Makes Another Robot Head
The first one was his wife. This one is Philip K. Dick. Brilliant. I think you can see it at Wired’s Next Fest.

Read his paper on making robots look like humans as opposed to machines.

“When a robot looks too much like the real thing, it’s creepy”. – Osaka University Professor Hiroshi Ishiguro.

So, more on robots, if you’re in Edinburgh visit here. They had a robot jellyfish in ...

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Sorry about Seaports

For those that came out to the show Saturday night expecting a full show, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I was supposed to do a 30-45 minute set and was told 15 minutes before I went on that it was going to be a 3 song set. I had my piano and drummer with me and had to leave those offstage. After hearing some lamentations from folks after the set and from those who missed it completely due to the debacle (what a lovely word) I decided to treat myself to an Italian ice. Cherry. And it was tasty. But for real, I feel a little showtime blue balls (I don’t know how else to put it). So, I’m hoping to do a set, soon. Keep watching the site because I may get one this week.
Ding Dong,
mo
The Giants are very gracious.

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Fun with Math

I tried to get dead reckoning put on my slide rule but couldn’t upload it because its a slide rule. So now I can only multiply and divide and all other calculations are done on my fingers. My left hand is (x) and my right is (y) and when I calculate the cosine of 5 against the lamp, the shadow of my hands look like a horse eating time.

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Online Gaming Eavesdrop

I heard this on my computer’s speakers today. I couldn’t tell what game it was but I think it was Divine Intervention. This is what my computer picked up:

Let’s go let’s go
Divine intervention
I can’t move him
What the hell
Omigod
(lost)
I didn’t think you could cast with that shit
Omigod
God dammit Leroy
You moron Leroy
Not my fault
We do have cyst on don’t we?
Leroy you are just stupid as hell
We got fried chicken
(and then it was gone)

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They Might Be Giants Outside!

Saturday, June 11
7pm
South Street Sea Port
w/ They Might Be Giants!
a Family Show
which means I won’t cuss like a seaport sailor

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OH and Lebowskifest!

Thursday, July 21
Cincinnati, OH
The Viper Room

Friday, July 22
Louisville, KY
LEBOWSKIFEST!
w/ They Might Be Giants

AND
This October, returning to the UK with Common Rotation!

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Philadelphia 9:20

Got some peanuts at the drug store.
Got some liquid glue.
Poured the glue into the peanut jar.
Shook it up.
Waved the open jar Pollock-style so the peanuts hit the outside window of the drug store.
Backed away and saw the face of Ben Franklin. Just like a $100 bill.
I shit you not.
9:21
Stared at glass.
9:22
Looked around to see if anyone noticed the glass.
9:28
Began to pull glue-trapped squirrels off the window with loving hands and the jar filled with warm water.
9:30
Heard a squirrel say, “Thank you”. I shit you not.
11:00
Finished Halo.
11:01
Wept.

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