CornMo.com

I got this witch to come over. She had some kind of lizard’s breath sealed in a jar. I called bullshit on her because you can’t seal breath.
So, she farted and said, “You smell that?”
“Yes.”
“Hold on.”
So, she grabbed a mason jar out of my cabinet (I didn’t know I had one) and went to the bathroom where I heard her fart again but this time it sounded muffled. She came out and showed me a sealed jar.
“Here.”
“What.”
“Open it and smell.”
“Okay.” And I did. And it stunk.
“It smells like my fart, right? Cause I just farted in front of you earlier and it smells the same, right?”
“Yes it does but it doesn’t answer how you got a lizard to breathe in a jar.”
And with that she levitated and slid on her toetips to my bedroom and came back out and said,
“You want to see what lizard’s breath can do?”
“Okay, but Jesse will be home, soon. You shouldn’t try to come on to me. You’re kind of seeing him aren’t you?”
She opened the jar and out came a light the color of rainbows and I was blinded by magicked rave lights and when I could see again, the room was filled with water and a giant goldfish (larger than a koi, smaller than a whale) and I had gills.
And then Jesse came home and the water fell out the door. And when he saw that I had gills he thought that I had had sex with his girlfriend. What a terrible yet amazing day!

Two field monitors waited for someone to pass by. There were many cicadas about making their wondrous noises blending in and out of the bursts of wind. One fellow who popped out of the wood about 300 yards in the distance made his way to where the monitors stood. As he got closer they noticed he had jerking limp, almost as if a puppeteer had something to do with the way he walked.
“Hello, stranger, have you got a pass?”
“No, I don’t think I want to come this-a-way. I think I should be going that-a-way.”
And his leg jerked out.
“Oh dear,” said a monitor.
“Look at my foot!”
And as sure as there is a good time to be had somewhere else, this fellow had a fishing lure stuck to his shoe and was being reeled in.
“I was a little sheepish at first. But anyhoo.”
And he limped on past the monitors, turned around and goes,
“Happy Stoopid Day! You assholes!” and he pulled the lure out of his shoe and limped away a little more, falling over himself and landing limp-style on top of a sheep and stayed there for a very long time.