Daily Archives May 8, 2005

Indianapolis 500 blowout

I played a whole song on piano without any sound coming out. I could hear it onstage but noone in the audience heard it. I started the second piano song when I was told the sound wasn’t working. Excellent!
It was like dropping a bowling ball on a glass table and then still trying to serve ice cream on napkins. Delicious!
Someone yelled out Freebird and I played it, though I shouldn’t have.
I still have trouble talking to the audience individually. It’s hard not to. I have a hard time not answering back to dialogue directed at me.
“Are you high?”
No. Please. I’ll crash and burn with one beer at this thing. Hi. Yes, I did see Bad Boys. Huh? Not the second one. I should finish my set. Oh, yes I did like the first one...

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Diamond Deers

One time I feeled up this tree to see if it had diamonds in the bark. Someone had tipped me off and told me a rich man who had plenty of disposable income decided to make buckshot out of diamonds. Real diamonds. Not synthetic and not glassy fakes. He wanted to kill a deer with it so that he could serve venison with prizes. Oh, how eccentric he would be.
“Look at me I’m so crazy and wealthy! I’m a tart and I don’t care! Everyone listens to what I say so that I’ll throw them a bone filled with cash!”
So, he took a jar of diamonds and poured them into the casing and topped it off. He made five of these. He fancied himself a Van Helsing but stopped short of wearing a fedora.
I’m brilliant. I should film this. No. I’ll get Johnson to film it.
“Johnson!”
Where is he?
“Johnson!”
“Yes ...

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