Monthly Archives April 2005

Tour Buses

I met Common Rotation during the Giants tour. We didn’t know each other and were going to share a vehicle together. They were ready to not like me and I was worried about them liking me. But like a cheetah to an antelope we took to each other becoming fast friends.
Erego, when they decided to go to the UK, good times steered them to invite me and good times we had. I don’t know how they were able to get a tour bus but they did. Good bunks, kitchen, entertainment center including playstation, toilet, good times.
I’ve been known to fall asleep early no matter what. I’ve taken naps at bars, parties, green rooms. But with jetlag I was able to stay up late but not able to sleep late because the sun excites me...

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Moi? CD Release

Come celebrate my friend’s cd release with me at Arlene’s Grocery this Friday at 9:30. I’ll be hosting the event and will do what they call “a couple of numbers” with the talent.
And when I say talent I mean Moi? and The Wau Wau Sisters.
If you saw Circus By the Sea then you saw the glory of Royce Peterson. He’s in Moi? and he’s real good. Real good.
And if you saw The Corn Mo Show then you saw The Wau Wau Sisters. They’re real good and as they say, “easy on the eyes”.
So, please come help delegate the applause for wonderful evening.

Arlene’s Grocery
95 Stanton St.


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May 2005

It went down like this: Ben Folds was on my flight and I did the stupid, nerdy thing.
“Hey, you want a cd to listen to on the plane?”
“Yeah, sure. Thanks.”
And that’s how it went down. What a nice, nice guy.

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Jerry’s Better Day

Due to his piddling, the man known for highjacking enormous amounts of time and flushing them down the commode got sick on a pizza box that grew a mold so dense that it imploded and circumvented the room with gas like a ghost fart’s whirlwind. Luckily, his maturity level automatically kicked into second gear and he threw the box away but not before inhaling enough spores to render him unconscious.
During this time he had a dream that superpowers were bestowed upon him. He was able to lift heavy bikes, push open locked doors, and see through bedsheets translucently. When he awoke, a nurse gave him antibiotics and he turned on the tv.

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The Wind Candle

Some candles are put in windows in order to keep out the wind. They’re called drafters and they mimic forcefields, not unlike those on starships. My grandmother had one and said to not remove it lest the Bell Witch come inside.
I figured I was wise on her and that she just didn’t want me to catch cold during slumber. But it was hot in the room so I removed the drafter and cracked the window.
Just in case, I grabbed a clove of garlic from the nightstand and cuddled it under my chin.
As if my grandmother had planned it, a shadow floated inside the room straight from the window that I had opened!
The cloak in the shadow separated from the figure and I was soon draped over my bed in a quilt that smelled like synthetic rose oil with a hint of cod.
When what I assumed was the witch reached my...

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Edgar at the Starbucks

On a Tuesday morning in 1842, a witch named Edgar found himself in the middle of a stabbing field (called such by farmers for the hard stalks of corn left behind after harvest). He knew not how he got there or why he had a hard time standing. Once upright, his precarious gait allowed him to walk the line of a pendulum hooked to an S-track, giving him a chance to be impaled on a broken stalk of corn.
Two crows watched until the buzzards moved them.
Edgar reached to the ground as if reaching for dirt and broke his fall. A fondness for crawling ensued and his shoes made sled tracks across the field.
As he ambled to the edge, the two buzzards began talking. It sounded like English but consonants were missing in too many places to be understood.
Edgar grabbed one by the gooseneck and pulled...

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His Pants Won’t Pull Up

There was this young boy named Ralph Red who had pants that would not pull up.
It always looked as though he’d just been potty.
His underwear came up but his pants refused.
“Hello, my name is Ralph Red.”
“No, Ralph R-”
“I know. I can’t pull them-”

Whenever someone would complain about anything within earshot, Ralph would always reply,
“At least you can pull your pants up.”

c. 2003

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My flight to London was alright. There was a kid kicking my chair constantly. I did the half turn thinking he was 11 and would get the hint. I finally did the full turn with a mean look and it was a four-year-old. My face changed quick and I let him continue kicking. During my chair banging I watched Cellular. Holy shit is that a terrible movie. “Dude”, “Bro”, “When you going to realize she doesn’t want you anymore”. I wanted to change it but wanted to see some action so I waded through the point break dialogue and finally got some action and it soon sucked less. I started to watch Elektra but was a smarter watcher by then and changed to the Lemony Snicket movie which I enjoyed.
I had no problems getting to my friend’s bar. I hung out with him and others and had a nice time.
I’m ...

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Massachusetts Museum of Contemporary Art w/ The Wau Wau Sisters

MASS MoCA Alt Cabaret Show with Corn Mo and The Wau Wau Sisters
Massachussets Museum of Contemporary Art
87 Marshall St.
North Adams, MA

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Dave Works Hard

Dave was humpin’ it. Really humpin’ it. He had tires that were in one room and
a need for tires in the other room. So he moved the tires as fast as he could.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
He was humpin’ it.
Taking a new tire off the rack, spinnin’ round, letting go, and letting it thump into the new tire room.
“Thirty-six, done,” said Dave as he wiped his sweaty eye sockets.
His boss came in and said, “I said I needed two tires by 6:30. Put these back.”
Dave was humpin’ it. Putting thirty-four tires back in their places.
“Thirty-four, done,” said Dave as he wiped his sweaty eye sockets, again.
Dave was humpin’ it in his mind. He never worked in tires his whole life. But
he knew how to work his brain. And he was a self-starter. When you get
trapped in a dungeon there is little work to be done in you...

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Corn Mo in Kentucky

Corn Mo
w/ They Might Be Giants!
Friday, April 8
Norton Center for the Arts
Centre College
600 West Walnut St.
Danville, KY
Tickets: 1-877-HITSHOW

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Being a Can Sucks

2 cans are waiting on a shelf.
“Have you been dusted?”
(Cans that collect dust must be dusted or no one will buy them.)
“I think so.”
“How come we’ve been here for so long?”
“No one is eating canned field peas with bacon.”
Cans can’t see. They talk by thought. They don’t have souls
and no form of brain although they have minds.
When you open a can, though, it dies and the can’s
mind floats inside the empty reservoir. Forever.

c. 2004

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Outre’ Island

Chris Rozzi’s Outre Island
Parkside Lounge
See the host of character’s that live on Outre’ Island as done by the funny Chris Rozzi.
You can see a clip of his character Delmonte on The Corn Mo Show.

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Planet Banana

Planet Banana
at The Ars Nova Theater
now through June 4!
I did this show with these guys over in the Old World. Go see it in New York City. It’s amazing. New jokes, new songs and Jon Spurney plays the good-bad-ugly theme on keyboard and guitar at the same time!
Clarke juggles to “Another One Bites the Dust”!

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Ghetto Ways

Go see my roommate’s band and that lovable asshole from The Psycho’s, Harry Dagger, as they take to Maxwell’s with The Dirtbombs.
Tonight at 9
more info

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