The Dungeons of Edinburgh

I went to the Edinburgh Dungeon today. I enjoy the tourist-trap, horror theme attractions but this sucked ass. I love going to Ripley’s and reading all the stuff about wooden penis sheathes, shrunken heads, and shipwreck stories. This place had those things but about torture devices. As I was reading them I was pushed along by the cloaked tour guides to be guided along to the next horror show.

I wish it were worth it to move along but it wasn’t. It was like a show at a renaissance fair. Scary mixed with not funny. I just wanted to look at torture devices.

Then came the new boat ride called “WitchFynder”. I got a little excited with all the what you can’t do hullaballo (don’t put your arms outside the boat shit). It felt a bit like the Willi Wonka boat ride and the anticipation of going into the next room on the boat was awesome. It was dark and the wind blew and storms were coming and there was lightning.

I’m supposed to beware of cannibal witches in this place but there are three scenes to look at in this immobile boat: above, the three hooded figures who were talking because the light blinked to each word; port, something in a cage, I think people eating people; starboard, I’m not sure because the lights were so dim. And then, it was over.

I liked the mannequin who sneezed on me with Black Plague.

Then, there was a cannibal boy. He talked about eating people with his family and said he wanted to suck my eyes out. He was pretty entertaining. And there was a good multimedia of shadows behind him killing people as he told the story of his historical people eating family. What delight!

It ended with mannequins talking (lights blinked on them with their words)at a guillotine show. Sucky shit suckkkkkkk.

Oh, there was the hooded guide who made fun of the kid who had a sweatshirt that said, “Protected by Witchcraft”. Good show.

I bought a ceramic skull for Harry.